A Better Way to Sidestep Shame

Some emotions cause an almost physical pain, and shame is one of them. I’ve heard people describe it as a knife in their gut; a slave driver wielding a whip; or a gray blanket weighing them down. It’s also lonely—despite being a common feeling and part of everyone’s experience, shame can make a person feel as if he or she is the only one who has ever dealt with it.

I talk a lot to people in therapy about “leaning in” to feelings they think of as “bad” (sadness and anger, for example), and working on accepting them. And this is an important step. But other times, we just need to put difficult feelings aside. Not indefinitely, so they’re rejected or crammed down, only to bounce up again. But temporarily, to override the constant pain that keeps us from functioning, so we can get back to our day.

Shame occurs when we do or feel something we think others will judge as very bad. This goes beyond listening to our own conscience telling us we’ve done something immoral; it’s more like carrying a nasty high school clique in our brains, sneering at our every move and laughing at us. Either we heard someone judging us, such as a parent or peer, or imagined we did, and then we swallowed the condemnation, just as you’d swallow medicine off a spoon. Now we’ve absorbed the criticism, and we hear it so often in our minds that it becomes part of us—making it very hard to get away from.

How Shame Invades

Often, we can’t even gauge if our shame is reasonable. Feeling ashamed of purposefully hurting someone makes sense; it can keep us from acting this way in the future. Feeling shame for accidentally tripping in public, however, is exhausting and unrealistic. It’s linked to perfectionism and a false idea that people are judging us for every little mistake we make.

Because we’re all fallible and make mistakes, ranging from small (tripping) to large (screwing up a work assignment), feeling shame at every misstep keeps us from being confident and can severely limit our productiveness, causing even more shame. If we sit around in fear of what others may think of us, we become more timid, less likely to take risks, and less willing to have adventures. This apprehensiveness is one of the main barriers to happiness.

Like every other feeling that drags us down, shame can at times feel insurmountable. But as with every other feeling, we can control it.

How to Rise Above Shame

1. Analyze your shame. Ask yourself who the judge is: do you really think your action was that terrible, or are you imagining other people criticizing you for it? If it’s the latter, who do you think is judging you? Did you grow up with a shaming parent, and do you want to continue listening to that parent? Then ask a few more questions: Do you care? Are these people whose opinions you value? Are you sure their opinions are so negative? Would you judge them as harshly if they did the same? Is there any way to check if they are truly criticizing you or if it’s all in your head?

2. Have compassion and kindness for yourself. Imagine what you would say to a friend who had done what you have done. Shower yourself with the kind of gentle loving you would give to a child. Turn to the activities that make you feel more calm and cared for, and treat yourself, even if (especially if) you feel that you don’t deserve it.

3. Check your values. This makes having compassion for yourself a little easier. Do you truly believe that people should be perfect and never make mistakes? Would you hold others to that standard? If not, it isn’t a real value of yours. Here’s a sample values worksheet to figure out what’s most important to you. If you try this and discover, say, that you value kindness, honesty, and generosity, check to see if the memory you’re feeling ashamed of has violated one of these core values. If not, then you can find some relief in knowing that you’re living up to your own standards. Going back to our values makes it easier to see if we’re judging ourselves, or if the judgment is coming from the outside. If we have integrity—when we know our values and live according to them—then there’s nothing to be ashamed of. If we’ve violated a core value, then we know exactly where to make improvements.

4. Finally, talk to someone. Call a friend you know can offer the kindness you can’t find within yourself. Find a therapist who listens without judgment. Surround yourself with understanding so that you can absorb it, copy it, and learn to give it to yourself on a daily basis. A part of you knows that beating yourself up is not helpful and never leads to making you a better person. So try to stop the cycle of shame by reaching out and within.

How One Little Word Can Save a Marriage

I heard an idea recently that I think might be the key to a happy long-term relationship. And as with so many brilliant ideas, it’s tiny and simple. It has to do with changing one word: “should” to “prefer.”

In relationships, we get very caught up in what our partner should do, give, say and be. We carry into the union our childhood dreams of the perfect person. From fairy tales and romantic comedies we learned that this prince or princess would provide for us, care for us, and cherish us (with the occasional cutesy argument in between). These expectations are nearly impossible to live up to—and yet it’s hard to give up the fantasy. It can feel downright dangerous to accept what we see as “less than perfect.”

That’s when we get into the shoulds. He should know how I feel. She should work harder. He should help more. It’s easy to find fault and believe we’re being mistreated.

But try changing that one little word and see how it feels. It’s the difference between “My husband should do the dishes” and “I’d prefer it if he would do dishes.” Or between “My wife should have sex with me more” and “I’d prefer it if she had sex with me more.” This way we’re not saying that we deserve sex or that there’s some cosmic rule about it, we’re simply saying we wish it could be that way. And we know our wishes don't always come true in the exact way we envisioned them.

It’s softer, with more compassion for another point of view. It leaves room for negotiation and the other person’s preferences. And it recognizes that we can’t demand that our partner want what we want, or conform to our desires. If we have preferences rather than demands, or moral stances, then maybe it’s a little easier to accept that we won’t get everything we want. Or to find the middle ground between two different desires.

Because that’s the work of being in relationships: negotiation, compromise and compassion for the other person’s stance. We ask a lot of our partners, and want most of our needs to be met by one person. But this is not always realistic. How do we know when what we’re not getting is too important to give up? We can start by realizing that what we desire is a preference, not a birthright. That just might make it easier to both find common ground and re-evaluate what we really, really need.

Why Your Spouse Can't Make You Happy

I’ve been working with couples a lot lately, which naturally leads me to thinking non-stop about what makes relationships work. Two of my friends, with actual successful marriages, have said virtually the same thing to me lately: that once they stopped asking their spouse to provide them everything they want, they became happy. One was talking about material goods and one was talking about emotional support, but it came down to the exact same idea, namely that taking care of their own needs allowed them to like their partner more.

The concept behind this has been written about in many books, and goes by names like individuation, differentiation, and independence. It means that we expect too much from our partners, and are more satisfied when we realize that we’re separate from them. Angry that your boyfriend doesn’t take you out to nice dinners? Invite a friend and take yourself out. Frustrated that your girlfriend doesn’t compliment you more? Work on your self-esteem, so your good feelings about yourself come from within.

Of course we want our spouses to give us all the love, attention, caretaking and support we deserve. And yet here I am telling you that you need to get that stuff on your own. I’m not saying that you should expect nothing from your loved one, or that you should accept being treated poorly. It’s just that you can’t even know what you need from someone else until you’re really, really good at providing for yourself. Having a full life, with lots of friends, activities and achievements that fulfill you, is a much better path to satisfaction than asking someone else for it. Once you feel secure that you can give yourself love, support and protection, then you can ask for something realistic from someone else, and appreciate it when you get it.

We spend a lot of time in relationships focused on what we don’t have, and on what’s not working. The truth is, it’s hard to know if your relationship is the best one for you. It’s not a mathematical formula, it’s the kind of thing you just kind of know (hopefully). But how can you assess what you do have if you’re only focused on what you don’t have? One good question to ask yourself is, have I ever been with someone who gave me everything I needed? If the answer is no, you might have to look at the only constant in those relationships—you—and realize that you’ve never been able to provide those things for yourself.

So the hard truth is that no one can give us everything we want. But the other truth, the really, really nice one, is that once we realize we’re asking too much of others, the solution is clear, and accessible. You’re not alone. You need only to turn to yourself for more.

Lesson 1 from the Anxiety Support Group? Slow Down, Tiger

“As soon as I’m worried about something with my boyfriend, I blurt it out,” said one group member. Another agreed. “If I’m at the store and I feel anxious, I drop everything and run home.” A third added, “It’s like I can’t stop myself from checking in with my friends if I’m scared I said something wrong. I’m constantly apologizing.”

I told them this all made sense; when we get anxious, we want to DO SOMETHING immediately. Anxiety is an ancient form of defense, the body’s way of keeping us ready to strike if we sense danger. And yet in our modern lives, so many times the anxiousness we feel is not related to any real danger. It’s either a remnant of a past trauma (something that isn’t currently threatening us), or it’s an overreaction to something that feels incredibly upsetting but, upon closer examination, is not so threatening (first day of school, public speaking, spider in the closet, fill in your own scenario).

Let me state up front that it’s tough to generalize about anxiety—it’s many things to many people, and there are tons of different tools to help soothe it. But after listening to hundreds of people describe their urge to react as soon as they feel the physical signs of panic, I feel confident in calling that a universal impulse. The rushing sensation of an increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure, and shallow breathing urges us to jump in and do something, anything, in order to feel better.

Sometimes, our anxious impulses appear productive—I’m going to go for a jog to shake off this worry. Other times the impulse is unproductive—I’m going to drink tequila or buy something online to squelch this pain. But even when we’re reaching for our most positive coping techniques (talking to a friend, meditating, etc.), if we do it too quickly and without thinking, it can have an adverse effect.

So, instead, do what we do in my anxiety support group: pause. The pause is a simple and underrated first response to trauma. It’s also very hard to do, because our brains are telling us to respond immediately and neutralize the danger. In the middle of the struggle, it seems extremely important to act and get rid of the discomfort of anxiety as soon as possible. But if we can override that instinct and give ourselves a second to think more clearly, we might just realize that that the best action is not the first one that popped into mind.

Pausing allows us to investigate our fears. It helps us take a step back and observe, research, and question the anxiety. We might ask it, “What do you need right now?” Or, “What are you afraid of?” Or, “What would make you feel better in a lasting way?” The answers to these questions might surprise us, if we don’t rush in to assume we know.

I’m not saying you should never go with your first instinct. If anxiety arises in you and you can bear to sit with it for 15 minutes, a few things could happen. First, the worry might fade away on its own. If you do a simple relaxation maneuver, you can sometimes trick your body into believing there’s no emergency. (For instance, count backward 10 numbers from 117. The simplicity of the task, combined with the need to concentrate just a little bit, can instantly rewire your thoughts.) Second, you might gather that you’re too upset to know the best thing to do, and decide not to respond yet. Third, you could confirm that, yes, that five-mile run really is the best activity for you right now, and feel confident in your decision.

That’s how to use the pause in a literal sense, but it also works on a metaphorical level. Pausing is tantamount to staying “in the moment,” being right here right now, which is one of the most powerful tools to ease anxiety. This is particularly difficult when you’re trapped in fear, but if you can learn to practice this discipline during times when you’re feeling better, you can bring its calming qualities into even the most fretful situations.

Being in the moment is part of a larger approach called mindfulness, which I urge you to look into if you haven’t tried it already. It allows us to stop running away from our feelings and distracting from them. At times—especially during potentially harmful panic attacks—distraction is useful and even therapeutic. But often, it becomes our go-to response, and masks the deeper issues that are causing the anxiety. That’s when increasing our ability to bear the pain, to sit with the fear, can lead us to deeper healing.

If you get to that point, where you want to deal with not only the symptoms of anxiety but its causes, there are three resources that are incredibly helpful: one-on-one therapy, support groups, and mindfulness classes. If you’re not in the market for deeper exploration, however, pausing is a great first step toward a more meaningful response to anxiety’s impulsiveness. It’s the difference between numbing out with alcohol, candy, or sex and having great courage to meet the challenge head-on—and ask it a few questions.

The 5 Clichés That Can Fix Your Relationship

When it comes to relationships, many clichés exist for a good reason: a lot of them are true. Making and keeping long-term connections is, of course, some of the oldest and hardest work humankind has ever undertaken, and there isn’t much that’s new to say about it.

The following five basic truths about relationships form the core of my couples counseling. Yes, you’ve heard them before, but when they are looked into more deeply and practiced more willingly, they often lead to a strong, healthy relationship.

1. The secret to a long-lasting relationship is to not split up.

It’s so clear-cut it almost sounds glib, but sometimes the simplest fact is also the most profound. Relationship longevity, at times, comes down to a decision each partner makes to value being in the relationship above all else. We all get seduced by the idea of a new mate who promises more fascination, more compassion, and more romance (the three qualities quickest to fade after a few years together). One characteristic common to all enduring marriages, however, is a shared sense that a long-term connection is worth more than a short-term one. In other words, the security and stability that can come only after decades together is just as, if not more, important than the pull of a shiny, new partnership.

Long-term relationships are for realists. They aren’t easy. Periods that are lovely tend to be interrupted by periods that are stormy. During those tough times, you might feel as if you’re only staying together because it’s the right thing to do or because there’s no other way to achieve longevity. The commitment is to each other, yes, but during those times when “each other” is not the haven you’d like it to be, the commitment becomes to commitment itself.

2. We marry our parents.

This one is the basic tenet of the kind of psychotherapy I practice. The belief is that we all carry scars from our childhoods—even the happiest childhoods—based on disappointments or conflicts with our parents. As adults, we meet partners who we swear up and down are nothing like those disappointing parents, but one day we wake up and realize, “How did this happen? My partner is exactly as critical as my father was.”

We therapists would say that you’ve chosen this partner in the subconscious hope that your childhood wound could be healed. In other words, if your dad never seemed to fully appreciate you, you fall in love with someone who is also withholding so you can finally get the approval you’ve always been looking for.

Your partner is probably not a mirror image of your dad. Instead of being outwardly critical, he or she might say all the right words but then be easily hurt so you consistently feel you’ve failed. The patterns are rarely obvious, but if you look hard enough, they are almost always there. We recreate in adulthood the most pressing problems from our childhood in the hopes that now we’ll succeed where in the past we could not.

The good news about this cliché is that once we’re aware of the pattern, we can work on what really needs to be healed: our own self-esteem. The key to overcoming a critical parent is not to find a partner who is unerringly supportive and non-judgmental, but instead to silence our own inner critic. Sometimes when we see a pattern in our relationships, we have to look at the only constant, ourselves, to see what needs to be repaired.

3. You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.

When you can accept that a problem isn’t going to be fixed, it has less power. If you have to “win” all the time, you’re going to end up losing the most important prize: the relationship itself.This cliché seems to imply that you can’t have a decent relationship until you reach some sort of mythical, enlightened state of self-love. Instead, I interpret it as meaning that often the best gift you can give to your partner is to know yourself better. Getting to know what you need, what makes you tick, and how to stand up for yourself are tools that can seem to strain a relationship at first but make it stronger in the long run.

This leads to a sub-cliché I often share with the people I work with. Just as they tell you on airplanes to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others with theirs, you can only make your relationship strong when you’re coming from a strong position. “Loving yourself” can be as simple as taking the time to know what makes you angry and why and learning a few tools for calming yourself so that you can communicate clearly even when you’re upset.

4. You can’t change anyone else unless they really want to change.

If you go into a relationship expecting your partner to change, you’re in for a disappointment.

This is not to say that others can’t change, just that they won’t, unless they decide it’s incredibly important. People who see me for therapy tend to express frustration when they hear this. If true love means becoming the best person you can for your partner, then does my partner not changing mean he or she doesn’t love me?

The truth may be less romantic, but it’s also more respectful and more compassionate. When we let our partners know what they are doing hurts us and when they trust that we’ve looked at and worked on our own issues before pointing the finger at them, they are often able to agree to modify their behavior and find a compromise.

The end result, then, of two people who are working on “loving themselves” and “not changing others” is that they’ll give more love and more potential for change to their partners. It sounds paradoxical, but it’s more of a shift in perspective. Mutual esteem will bring change more quickly than critiques and blaming.

5. In relationships, you can be right or you can be happy.

Giving in is sometimes the best place to start. Relationship expert John Gottman talks about dozens of ways to communicate more effectively but reserves space for what he calls “perpetual problems,” or the issues that just aren’t going to get resolved. They’re the ones that come back no matter how many times you fight over them. In a long-term relationship, there will always be a couple of key conflicts that you simply can’t figure out how to solve. If they seem insurmountable, they probably are, and that’s OK.

The trick with these issues is to label them—“There’s our old ‘you spend too much, you’re too cheap’ fight again”—and let them go. Instead of getting angrier and having to prove once and for all that you’re right, how about just walking away? When you can accept that a problem isn’t going to be fixed, it has less power. If you have to “win” all the time, you’re going to end up losing the most important prize: the relationship itself.

Sometimes, to find love, just follow the time-tested, worn-out old tropes. But this time, follow them with intelligence, depth, and complexity. After all, any fool can make something complicated, but it takes real intelligence to make something simple. Or is that too cliché?

How to Stop the Squeaky Wheel of Anxiety

Sometimes, anxiety feels a lot like a little mouse running on a wheel inside our heads and chattering incessantly. It gets ahold of a particular thought or fear and spins on it nonstop. It’s frustrating and exhausting, and it can feel out of our control.

The temptation in that situation is to do one of two things to feel better: (1) distract ourselves from the thoughts or (2) indulge them. Distraction maneuvers include watching television, calling a friend, taking a pill, or checking Facebook. Indulging behaviors might look like making endless lists and notes about anxious thoughts, researching whatever the issue is for hours, or calling people to talk through the same problems over and over.

The tough truth is that we can’t run from what’s bothering us, and we can’t necessarily “solve” it, either. If our minds are telling us to be very worried about a work meeting tomorrow, the answer is not to spend hours thinking about that meeting. This gives us the illusion of control—“If I can imagine every possible issue that could arise during the meeting, I’ll be able to handle whatever happens”—while keeping us tired out and high-strung. Trying to solve an irrational fear through rational thought is, as it sounds, impossible.

Instead, we have to do something that feels pretty counterintuitive: To keep anxiety at bay, we should sit with it. This means choosing actions that address the anxiety itself rather than dealing with the subject we think we’re anxious about. “Sitting with the feelings” sounds a lot harder; who wants to lean into feeling scared and worried? But we’ve already tried distraction and indulgence, so we know those are temporary fixes without any long-term gain. Once the fear about the work meeting is soothed, another problem will be waiting to frighten us, and we’ll have to start working feverishly again to calm that thought.

There are many ways to attack anxiety more productively. The tools below are described in their simplest form. If you see one that appeals to you, a professional, a book, or even a website could help you flesh them out and practice them. Other ideas can be tried here and now, on your own.

To keep anxiety at bay, we should sit with it. This means choosing actions that address the anxiety itself rather than dealing with the subject we think we’re anxious about.

1. Words

When your mind is spinning, there’s a story that you’ve created. First, try to figure out the words the anxiety is using to scare you. Perhaps they’re “don’t bother asking that girl on a date, she’ll never say yes.” Or “if you drive on the freeway, you will be in danger.” Write down this message in the clearest words possible, then see if there’s any deeper message underneath it. If you’re afraid to ask someone out, could there be a fear underneath that such as “no one ever likes me”? Does anxiety about driving also include the larger worry that “the world is unsafe”? When we uncover the core message, we can sometimes see that it’s exaggerated and devastating. It’s a huge generalization.

Next, try to find a replacement thought that is more balanced, more realistic. It doesn’t have to be something magical like “everyone always loves me!” or “no one ever gets into car accidents!” These will be difficult to focus on because they’re hard to trust. A more reasoned statement might be “I can handle rejection” or “some women have wanted to date me in the past.” When you come up with a thought that feels more positive and easy to believe in, consciously stop yourself whenever the anxious thought arises, push it away, and replace it with the new thought. Over and over, practice the new words to create a new thought process.

2. Images

If you’re drawn more to pictures than to words, visualizations are a wonderful and powerful way to calm your spinning mind. Try to discern how your anxiety looks to you. Maybe it’s a field of pulsating red, or a spiky ball. Close your eyes and take a deep breath. Imagine holding your anxiety in your hands. Feel its texture, its weight, its temperature. Then imagine chilling this anxiety with a breeze of fresh, cool air. See it shrinking in your hand. It becomes as small as a medicine ball, then a kickball, then a handball. Soon, it’s as tiny as a ball bearing. Continue to hold and shrink the anxiety whenever it occurs.

Another way to calm anxiety with images is through creative visualization. There are many such resources available online as audio, video, or written scripts. These stories walk you through a calming experience, simultaneously helping your body relax and moving your mind away from the distressing thoughts and into a more peaceful, controlled state. Practicing these mini-meditations trains your mind to focus less on outside subjects, which we have little control over, and more on our inner selves, which we have complete control over (although this often doesn’t feel true). One lovely visualization can be found here: http://www.poeticmind.co.uk/online-seminars/the-seven-falls-free-guided-meditation-transcript-and-video/.

3. Physical Feelings

Finally, relaxation and anxiety management can be found by changing how your body is functioning. Sometimes, anxiety starts in the body instead of as a thought. The sympathetic nervous system gets triggered, we feel a thumping heartbeat, quicker breathing, and twitchy muscles, and then the mind looks for something to blame it on. What am I so upset about? Suddenly we’re searching for a cause and choosing targets that may or may not be relevant or significant. It must be my relationship. And then we’re off on the cycle of repetitive thoughts that feel unmanageable.

Anxious thoughts and an anxious response in our bodies are almost always linked, and they need to be dealt with on both levels. First, taking deep breaths and slowing our body movements can help bring some oxygen and blood flow back to the brain, making it easier to think logically. Experts suggest breathing in to a count of four and out to a count of five, both through the nose. The slower out-breath mimics breathing patterns while we sleep, and can help trick the brain into thinking we’re relaxed before we actually are.

These techniques represent just the beginning of ways to address anxiety directly, without trying to run from it. The good news is, once you find a way (or two or three) of gaining control of your spinning thoughts, there can be a powerful sense of mastery and relief. The mouse on the wheel does not have to rule your mind and body. Rather than pretending it doesn’t exist, you can tame the mouse, call the exterminator, and get a good night’s sleep.

How to Help Your Anxious Child

These days, most of us live with some degree of stress. For kids, between their homework, friends, after-school activities, sports, and worries about getting into college, it’s a whole new era of anxiety. It’s no wonder, then, that the National Institute of Mental Health states that the prevalence of diagnosed anxiety disorders among 13- to 18-year-olds is 25.1%.

If you’re a parent living with an anxious child, you know how tiring and frustrating it can be—for both of you. It’s not easy to live with the kid who’s so stressed out by homework assignments that he ends up throwing the book against the wall, or tearing the papers in frustration, or working until midnight to get it perfect. Or the teen who gets a migraine every time she has to go to school or start a new activity. With a little insight into how they feel, why they act the way they do, and what we can do to help, the job of parenting anxious kids gets a little easier.

How They Feel

Anxiety doesn’t always show up as worry. Sometimes it looks like anger, irritability, sadness, or fear. After a full day at school worrying and obsessing, kids often come home exhausted—and immediately act out.

Imagine spending an entire day in fight-or-flight mode. That’s when the brain perceives a danger and thus produces adrenaline and stress hormones to prepare for a quick getaway, like a caveman running from a tiger. This causes physical sensations such as dizziness, faster heartbeat, rapid breathing, and sweaty palms. In this state, it’s tough to think clearly or make good, informed decisions. Even the most mature of us might lash out after all that.

Then again, sometimes these struggling kids look like stereotypical “normal” kids—at least at school, where they may crave the approval of the teachers. Keeping very contained gives them a sense of control over their environment, helping to minimize the risk of what they see as danger. But when they come home, everything changes. In the safety of their own room, they might have panic attacks, refuse to follow rules, or get violent.

What This Is NOT

If you lived with this level of stress every day, you’d probably come home and explode, too—and maybe you do. Kids tend to store up their stress and take it out on those they can trust: their parents and family members. Sometimes your home might feel like a battlefield.

What’s important to know is that this is not manipulation. Your child doesn’t want to be this way. It’s easy to think that he or she is acting out in order to get attention, or that if the child were less spoiled, less spiteful, or less rebellious, he or she would stop being “bratty.” But in reality, no one, especially a sensitive kid, would choose to constantly be in trouble.

Your child doesn’t want to be this way. It’s easy to think that he or she is acting out in order to get attention, or that if the child were less spoiled, less spiteful, or less rebellious, he or she would stop being “bratty.” But in reality, no one, especially a sensitive kid, would choose to constantly be in trouble.

Anxious children may lose it for a handful of reasons:

• Lack of self-control

• Storing up their frustration until it explodes

• Guilt

• Low self-esteem

• Unconsciously testing parents

How We Can Help

Anxious children generally lack two vital skills for reacting with calm and rationality. The first is regulation, or the ability to calm oneself. The second is self-soothing tools, or alternatives to turn to when their emotional temperature spikes.

The first way parents can help kids regulate is by modeling regulation. The more calm you are, the more they’ll learn from that ability. Research shows that humans’ heart rates attune with the people that they feel close to. So if someone holds us in a loving way, our heartbeats will often increase or decrease to match theirs.

Therefore, one way to help them relax is to reverse-match our activity to theirs. In other words, as they go up, we go down. If their bodies become jerky or uncontrolled, we keep our movements fluid and slow. As their volumes raise, we modulate our voices even more. And if they become angry or even nasty, we remain loving and firm.

Self-soothing tools fall into two main categories: physical and mental. (These tools require some practice, and only their basics are described here.) Physical tools include breathing and stretching. Check out Dawn Huebner’s book, What To Do When You Worry Too Much, for great examples of how to stretch. Breathing exercises and body movement exercises help reset the inner thermostat. Exercise also helps to calm the body, so throwing a ball, jumping on a trampoline, or dancing around the living room are great ideas for breaks.

Mental self-soothing is achieved by thinking calming thoughts. This can be done with words, like a mantra that replaces the anxious thought. For instance, when a child says, “I can’t do it,” or, “I always screw up,” you can help him or her practice saying, “I just need to try my best.” Ask the child to come up with some alternate statements that make him or her feel better, and practice together.

In addition to words, images can also be self-soothing. Where is your child’s favorite place? Could he or she create an imaginary haven? When feeling stressed, have your child conjure up this “safe space” in his or her mind, whether it’s a sandy beach, flower garden, or private room. Breathing slowly and thinking about a quiet and peaceful place calms the body and soothes the mind.

The Long-Term Upside

These are sensitive kids; that’s why they feel things so deeply. So it’s helpful to remember the flipside of that sensitivity. These are children who tend to be insightful, empathetic, tuned in, passionate, dramatic, and thoughtful. They often thrive in creative pursuits and go on to amazing careers in helping professions. The traits that are so challenging to them now will serve them well as adults. For now, the best we can do is teach them to channel their sensitivity into self-care.

5 Parenting ‘Mistakes’ That Are Actually Good for Your Kids

Has your child ever fallen down on the playground while you were busy sending a text, so that another parent had to inform you that, yes, it’s your child who is sobbing over there? Have you ever attempted to leave for work while your child clung to your neck, begging you to stay? Have you lied to a friend that you put your 10-year-old to bed in her own room, when in fact you let her sleep next to you in your king-size? Don’t bother beating yourself up for your “poor” parenting choices—you may actually be making the smartest and best decisions for you and your kids.

Despite what parenting books, blogs, and headlines tell you, there are few hard-and-fast rules when it comes to raising kids. Usually the most trustworthy guide is not a bestseller or even the advice of an expert, but your own intuition. You know best, whether it’s deciding if your kids can handle a tougher class, need extra cuddle time, or should quit a demanding sport rather than stay and tough it out.

Rest easy if your actions don’t always measure up to what you think is the standard. You might be picking some great alternatives—on purpose or by accident—that are perfect for your family and your kids. Here are some supposed goof-ups which, despite the side-eye you might get from other parents around you, really aren’t mistakes at all.

1. Letting Kids Take Risks

These days, beds have rails to keep kids from falling out, playgrounds have soft surfaces to keep them from injuring their heads, and a child walking alone on his or her own street can be reported to the police. But if all of the dangers are removed from their lives, what are the consequences?

When kids perform activities that need strategy and dexterity, such as balancing on a fence or climbing high up a tree, they develop a host of secondary skills, including independent thinking, risk analysis tools, and the confidence to face and overcome a fear. Many recent researchers and writers also contend that never confronting risks leads to depression and anxiety in children. Norway’s Ellen Sandseter published a 2011 paper on how children need danger and excitement, such as using complicated tools and playing near fire. By becoming more resourceful in these situations, they learn to master their environment and have less fear of new and challenging situations.

So if you decide to let your child play in the backyard without supervision, for instance, or to cook when he or she is only 6, don’t worry about other people’s perceptions. Society’s rules for parenting are fairly arbitrary anyway. Today, it’s considered horrifying to let your kids skateboard without what amounts to full body armor, but 30 years ago, kids managed without. Perhaps your instincts, even when they go against current trends, know what’s really best for your kids—climbing that old oak, perhaps, without a safety net.

2. Letting Things Occasionally Slip

Yes, we’d like to be on top of everything, all the time. And maybe that mythical perfect parent never lets his or her child skip the vegetable course or watch too much television. But letting something go—even if it’s out of your own sheer laziness that day—can be much healthier for your child than catching every mistake.

Consistency is good in parenting, but too much consistency morphs from being predictability (which gives your child security) into nagging (which your child will quickly tune out). We need enough flexibility and creativity in our parenting to make life spicy. So if you do the exact same schedule every night before bedtime—which every sleep book will tell you is of utmost importance—and one night you come home late, skip story time, and put the kids to bed without brushing their teeth, don’t worry. Call it a “toothbrush vacation” and delight your kids with your devil-may-care coolness.

3. Putting Your Relationship First Sometimes

Our kids are always supposed to be the top priority, right? We sacrifice everything and anything for them? Not when it comes to our marriages. Experts note that when we give kids precedence over a spouse, we not only hurt the marriage but the kids, too. After all, their stability relies on ours, and when the parents are fighting, angry, or numbed out, the kids feel it too.

I know many parents who proudly declare that they’ve never left their children with a sitter, and sometimes never even with a family member. While this shows a real devotion to parenting, it also lets me know that the marriage isn’t getting the attention it needs to thrive. Scheduling a date or even a vacation with a no-kids-allowed policy might feel selfish, but in the end you’re doing your kids a real favor—and modeling what a healthy, connected, adult relationship looks like.

4. Having Something Else in Your Life

An adjunct to putting your marriage first is to also have other things in your life that you value. Not that you should be out “taking care of you” 24/7, but being dedicated to your work or your softball team is just as crucial to your development as flute lessons are to your children. Why are we always harping on them about the importance of extracurricular activities if we have none of our own?

Someday, whether it’s 10 or two years in the future, our kids are going to leave our homes. Having a full, vital life apart from them is good for us, and a great way to set an example of self-sufficiency.

5. Letting Your Kids Sleep in Your Bed

As with so many things in parenting, sleep issues divide neatly into two categories: what we know is right and what we actually do. So many people I work with in therapy admit something close to shame that their teens still crawl into bed with them some nights, or their toddlers have never slept in their own “big boy” beds.

Yes, a separate sleep environment is healthier for parent and child because each gets more uninterrupted sleep and the child learns to self-soothe. But this is one of those “mistakes” that can translate into some very sweet, very loving time for parent and child.

So go ahead and screw up from time to time. Kids need variety in their lives, and parents need to allow themselves to pick whatever decision feels right in the moment, even if it doesn’t add up to conventional rules and regulations. Trusting your instincts and going with the flow will create more fun, more loving chaos, and more wonderful memories than a strict regimen ever could.

My "Radical" Experiment: Stop Yelling at The Damn Kids

As the new year rolls on, I keep thinking about the idea of radical change. My first idea has to do with losing my temper with my kids. Here’s a radical thought: What if I just stopped?

The reason I blow up is because I think it will have the effect I’m looking for. I think the kids will realize I mean business and stop doing whatever they’re doing that’s bugging me. They will—and they should—take me seriously and be frightened into submission, because sometimes kids just need to follow their parents’ rules without backtalk or questioning. And that idea isn’t inherently wrong.

Except that it doesn’t work.

The way I remember it, when my dad yelled, my sisters and I hopped to it. His word was law, we respected it, and if he was mad, we feared him and obeyed. But my kids don’t respond that way. As soon as I get mad, they turn angry, fearful, and hurt. They either yell back and throw stuff, do what I’m asking them to do while sobbing theatrically, or run to their room and slam the door.

Maybe I’m misremembering my childhood and it’s not true (although it seems that most of my peers agree) that kids used to blindly respect their parents. Or maybe we parent so differently today that we can’t expect—nor do we want—our kids to fear us. Perhaps it’s just me and I’ve spoiled my kids, who wouldn’t know obedience if it was an app on their i-gadgets. But whatever the case, losing my temper isn’t cutting it for me. And a lot of the time, my kids don’t really deserve my anger. They aren’t snorting coke or burning the house down, actions that warrant rage. They’re just being lazy, not listening well, or misbehaving—actions that call for consistent, clear rules and discipline rather than inchoate fury.

So, what if I stopped?

If the value I want to teach my kids is that my husband and I have rules that are there to keep them safe and healthy, and there are times when they need to follow our rules respectfully, then what’s the best way to teach that value? Is it by me acting out of control and nasty? Or is there a better way? Well, sure. Pretty much every parenting book out there will tell you that the best practice is to set rules, communicate them clearly, and have reasonable consequences for failing to comply. Research shows over and over that anger and putdowns (“What is wrong with you?” “Can’t you ever listen?” “You little brat!”) make our kids feel low self-esteem and therefore more likely to act out, or make them rebellious against us and therefore more likely to act out.

The next time I feel like yelling, instead I’m going to take a deep breath, walk away if necessary, regroup, and then state what I want to happen. I might even ask my daughter what she wants in the circumstance. For instance, my oldest has trouble turning off the TV. Sometimes, to be honest, I get lax on the TV-watching rules and let her go on too long, and by the time I’m ready for her to stop watching, she’s in full TV-junkie phase, watching glassy-eyed and seemingly unable to tear herself away. If, instead of demanding in increasingly loud tones that she step away from the remote, I can catch her attention and get her involved in the process, it works better. “I’d like you to get off the TV now and I know that’s hard for you. How should we handle it?” She generally answers with something unreasonable—“Let me watch until the end of this movie”—but at least then I can counter with another idea and we can meet in the middle. I usually get close to what I want, while at the same time she feels more respected and more involved in the decision.

I have to admit, it’s hard for me to imagine declaring that I’ll never blow up and following through on it. It feels, well, radical. We want to be able to be the final word in our own homes. We want to be able to lose it sometimes. To a certain extent, we want to be feared. And it’s OK to not always be that perfect, reasonable, calm-headed person the parenting books describe. Instead of shooting for perfection, I’m just going to commit to giving this new, no-explosions regime a shot. It seems like it’s going to feel good for everyone. And I’ll report back as to whether my house declines into anarchy, or whether the most recent parenting intelligence turns out to be true—that clarity and collaboration produce kids who (mostly) listen, are (often) respectful, and (usually) feel good about themselves.

The 6 Best Moms to Befriend

I had a fantasy when I was pregnant. I thought perhaps after I gave birth, a door would open with smiling women standing in doorway, beckoning me into a new wonderland teeming with other moms. Some part of me believed that moms would stop me at the supermarket with great advice, bond with me at Mommy and Me, and exchange secret handshakes at playgrounds. Any troubles I’d had building satisfying adult friendships would be mended by this common link we had—motherhood.

Although it’s a common fantasy to new moms, we all soon learn that the reality is quite different. Yes, having children brings all sorts of new adults into our lives. But as often as not, we won’t quite jell with these new acquaintances. The elementary school parents can sometimes start to feel like a high school clique, or the Stroller Strides group members are all younger. Just like before we had children, we won’t feel drawn to everyone we meet, and most moms aren’t going to magically become our new BFF.

The farther along you are in the parenting, the more discerning you become about friendships. It’s wonderful to open your arms to the seemingly never-ending flow of new faces that your kids bring into your life, but it helps to focus on the following categories. These are the moms who will truly enhance your parenting and your life:

1. The Mom Who Doesn’t Compare Your Kids

We’ve all experienced the parent who’s so focused on her child that she’s become a bit competitive. “Shakira is reading Harry Potter,” she’ll announce of her kindergartener. “How is your Jane doing with her reading?” Since Jane is still struggling through her I Can Read! booklet, you shrink from the conversation. In my experience, this happens more when kids are young. Mommy and Me groups can be our only way of seeing how other kids are developing, so it’s normal to compare—but it’s also anxiety provoking. Look for the mom who isn’t contrasting your child with hers. (If she’s too busy scarfing her toddler’s cheese sticks to be evaluating his eating habits, I consider that a good sign.)

As the kids get older, comparisons tend to be more subtle. If an elementary school mom is particular about who her child plays with, that’s a clue that she’s judging other kids and finding many of them inadequate for her child. That kind of mom, even if she finds your child delightful, can make you feel like you and your kid have to measure up. Look instead for open-minded, open-hearted parents who recognize that all kids have good and bad qualities, good and bad days.

2. The Mom Who’s Willing to Smack-Talk about Her Kids

Just as it can feel uncomfortable to hang out with a mom who compares, it can also be a chore to spend time with someone who unfailingly adores her children, to the point of blindness. No one’s kid is perfect, and parenting is stressful. But as Danielle and Astro Teller noted in an essay on Quartz titled How American Parenting Is Killing the American Marriage, (http://qz.com/273255/how-american-parenting-is-killing-the-american-marriage/) “We are allowed to say bad things about our spouses, our parents, our aunts and uncles, but try saying, ‘My kid doesn’t have a lot of friends because she’s not a super likable person’ and see how fast you get dropped from the PTA.”

When I get caught at a school function talking to a Pollyanna who thinks her kids walk on water, I start to feel unworthy and, worse yet, bored. Better to engage in lively conversation with a mom who sees reality. That conversation can be bitter, empathetic, and authentic, and more often than not, funny.

Connecting with the mom who has a wry sense of humor about her kids, her parenting, and her partner is like getting a gift. Someone who’s willing to whisper at the dance recital that her daughter is completely out of step can make us feel that she’ll be much more accommodating of our mistakes. And she helps us see that there isn’t a pinnacle of perfection we’re struggling toward, but rather a wonderful middle ground of both strife and joy.

3. The Mom Who Gives Help

It’s an odd fact of life that having kids means that, at just the moment our lives get overwhelming and over-scheduled, we’re surrounded by new acquaintances and often hesitant to ask them for help. It’s hard to keep in mind that we’re all going through it—even that mom over there with a nanny and an eager grandparent—and it truly takes a village to raise a child.

Some moms are ready to offer help, generous with their time, and loving to your child. If you find one like that, shower her with praise and homemade cookies, and overlook the fact she’s late all the time or doesn’t discipline her children the way you prefer. She’s worth her weight in gold for the sense of community she provides, and the invaluable peace that comes from knowing that, if you schedule Evan’s baseball game at the exact time as Parisa’s photography lesson, there’s someone out there who can lend a minivan.

4. The Mom Who Takes Help

Who wants to continually ask for favors without ever being able to reciprocate? A true mom friend also knows how to lean on you. The feeling is that you need each other, rather than that you’re the only one who feels sometimes rushed, lonely, or emergency-prone.

Gravitate toward the mom who is secure enough to reach out when she needs a hand. This relationship will feel more mutual, more equal. Plus, every time she asks for help is one more time you get to ask her. Someone who gives without ever taking feels superior, as if she has no needs while yours are never-ending.

5. The Mom Who Gets Your Child

As important as it is to truly like your new mom friend, it is just as key that she truly likes your child. We all need someone who can help us see the best in our kids on those days when we’re too fed up to remember their superior qualities. Or even when—especially when—the mom commiserates with us about how terribly our son is behaving, it’s crucial that she understand him. My best friends can remind me how my daughter’s moodiness is linked to her wonderful emotional openness and honesty, and praise her growth and self-control even when I’m frustrated that she isn’t as calm as the other kids in the play group.

It’s easy to forget the big picture when we’re focused on the minutiae of our kids’ lives and their development. Great friends can present a balanced view that helps calibrate us. They support us, but also feel supportive of our partnerships and our children. “That’s just Sam’s personality,” they soothe us when we’re utterly tired of Sam’s shyness, rebelliousness, or perfectionism. Or they offer my favorite excuse: “It’s because he’s gifted.”

6. The Mom Who Reminds You What You Love about Parenting

While we need the mom friends who can carp, complain, and commiserate—in short, can keep it real—we also need the ones who drag us back to the light. There’s so much to love about raising our children, and having a buddy who enjoys her life encourages us to enjoy ours. We can learn from our friends’ strengths as well as feel comforted by their weaknesses. On a recent school day, I kept my younger daughter home after she was awake all night. When I called my friend awash in frustration that neither of us had slept and we’d both have to miss our appointments, my friend suggested mildly, “Have fun with her today. It’s like a gift.” Suddenly my whole perspective shifted so I could see the day as an opportunity rather than a loss.

So my original fantasy was a bust; I won’t be romping in a golden-lit utopia of mom friendships anytime soon. The reality of the world of new parent pals is something much better: a chance, with every one of my kids’ new schools or new activities, to meet one or two like-minded ladies to bond with. And whether we become lifelong soulmates or just temporary besties, these wonderful, flawed, lively mommies make the journey so much more gratifying.

It's Your Weaknesses That Make You Strong

I’ve noticed a theme in the movies and TV shows I’ve seen lately: a man fighting against malevolent forces, but most importantly, he’s doing it alone. Sometimes this character (occasionally a woman, but not often) starts out cowardly, but then grows courageous and mature, which is shown by having him strike out on his own. He’s the lone wolf fighting a bad guy, following a clue, or righting a wrong. The shorthand, which we absorb as part of our cultural language, is brave equals solitary.

In real life, though, it’s just the opposite. True bravery is opening yourself up to others. It involves being honest and vulnerable. After all, it doesn’t take much courage to hide a secret from your partner or to stay really quiet. What takes real strength is to face our deepest fears, which usually go something like this: “If they only knew the real me, they wouldn’t respect me. I wouldn’t be loved.”

Unlike adult stories, kids books and movies already know this. They often show groups of friends, families or communities banding together in order to succeed. Sometimes the hero tries to take off on his own but by the end of the tale realizes he needs to cooperate if he wants to truly grow up. Take Harry Potter. In the first books, he’s afraid to tell the adults anything, and tries to fight his battles with just a few friends; often, he’s as likely to cause damage as he is to win the day. But by the end of the series, he’s surrounded by like-minded witches and wizards, and they can’t possibly win unless they rely on one another.

There’s a saying that you can’t be brave unless you’re a coward first. If you aren’t scared to go skydiving, then jumping out of a plane doesn’t take much courage. But for the person who’s terrified to take the leap, it takes pure determination and guts. In the same way, you can’t be strong without being vulnerable. That’s what I tell my clients when they’re concerned, in a session, that I’ll judge them for revealing their deepest secrets, their most reviled weaknesses. They’re surprised when instead of condemning or disapproving, I’m in awe of them. How unbelievably cool that you’re willing to dig that deep and do such intense work. What an honor it is for me to share that process.

So why is our pop culture telling us lately that we should be solo heroes, or vigilante warriors? When did it become more honorable in the zeitgeist to labor alone instead of bravely connect to the world around us? In some ways that prototype has always been with us, since the lonely cowboy settled the west. It’s a particularly American vision of independence and grit. And in more recent years, our country has grown increasingly more suspicious of the government and more apt to believe that we can only rely on ourselves, and that no one else can fully be trusted.

These cultural concepts help us stave off the day’s anxieties—about the environment, the media and out-of-control violence. But they run counter to what psychologists have studied for decades, and know now more clearly than ever: it is connecting with our loved ones and flaunting our weaknesses that, in the long run, makes us feel the most safe. The marriage in which each partner knows the other inside and out. The friends that support you in your worst moments. The parent that has seen the child through rough patches, illnesses and anger. These are the bonds and attachments that let us know that, even at our worst, there’s someone there to hold our hand. That’s a lesson that will make us feel like we can go out and conquer the world. Together.

Why You're Not Ruining Your Kids

It’s the secret fear every parent harbors: that the time we yell at the kids in the car, play Candy Crush instead of listening to their story, or fight with our spouse in front of them is going to be the time that scars them. The one they’ll end up talking about in therapy 20 years from now, as they try to piece back together their broken lives. It’s as if we’re one screw-up away from messing up our children in some permanent, Lifetime-made-for-television-movie kind of way.

It may come as a shock, then, to learn that we aren’t nearly as powerful as we fear (or is it hope?). For starters, besides what we’re commonly told these days, there are other important influences on kids besides their parents. In the famed Minnesota Twin Family Study, researchers found that personalities are formed half by our genes and half by environment, with “environment” comprising parents, schools, peers, media, etc. Which means that parents’ input is far less than 50%.

Once our kids hit pre-adolescence, peers hurtle forward in terms of their importance and influence. Multiple studies have highlighted peer influence as the single most important factor in drug use, smoking, and grades. In other words, who your child hangs out with can be more significant to his or her values than who raised him or her.

Even though our influence on our children is not all-encompassing, though, it is still valuable. So how do we make the most of the power we have? There is no guidebook for raising happy and healthy children. We do a lot of experimenting, tailoring our approaches to each new child and each new phase of development. Some of it will work and some won’t. Sometimes we will do a great job, other times we will fail. The key is not to do it perfectly but instead to do it with integrity and love.

Sometimes, our failures are wonderful opportunities. They’re a chance for us to model to our kids how to take responsibility, make amends, and accept our own flaws. Kids learn as much from failure—ours and theirs—as they do from success. Children who never witness their parents fighting miss out on some important lessons—how to tolerate conflict; how to repair after a fight; how to accept that all relationships go through struggles. And when parents are accountable for their mistakes and apologize, we’re passing those skills down.

In addition, the quality of resiliency (the ability to recover quickly from setbacks) is considered one of the main characteristics of happy people. And your kids can’t be resilient if they’ve never been knocked down. So even though we’d like to do whatever we can to protect our kids from being hurt or seeing us mess up, they’re actually gaining potential future happiness through seeing us be real and through their own struggles.

Of course, there are some behaviors that do create long-lasting, deep wounds to our children. They may leave children with damaged psyches, and images of themselves as being unworthy and unable to cope. These include:

• Physical abuse

• Verbal abuse

• Neglect

• Telling them they are worthless, bad, evil, or unlovable

• Mixing love and support with abuse and endangerment

The good news: if you’re not doing those things, you’re not damaging your children. If you are reasonably consistent, mostly loving, often available, and a decent listener, you are providing your kids with the building blocks they need to form a solid sense of self and base of confidence. They need to know we’re there for them, seeing them and valuing them. Conversely, they do not need us to be perfect, constant, infallible robots. Children blossom when they know that their primary caretakers love them. Ask yourself, do you show your child your love? Do you do your best for your child? Do you abstain from abuse? If the answers are yes, yes, and yes, you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing.

So rest easy knowing that, sure, screaming at the car in front of you in a traffic jam teaches your little one some words he or she ought not be hearing at his or her tender age. But it’s not going to ruin your child. At worst, you’ll merely have some explaining to do when he or she repeats your phrases at preschool.

Bring on the Pain — The Benefits of Suffering

The saying “No pain, no gain” has never made that much sense to me. After all, if you have no pain, you’ve already gained something, right? Most of us choose the “No gain so I can avoid pain” route much more often. Skip the workout so I can get some rest time, eat the chocolate bar so I can enjoy the delicious taste, stay in the rocky relationship so I don’t have to face being on my own. In the moment, it feels better, but over time, it reinforces our negative feelings about ourselves. For instance, workouts can be difficult but helps us feel better about our health, bodies and accomplishments. So really the phrase should be “No pain, no long-term change.”

And the sad truth is that after avoiding pain long enough, even the short-term pleasure we get becomes blunted. If we eat chocolate bars for years, they lose some of their delight and start to cause more guilt than the yumminess is worth. When we’ve been putting off change for months on months on months, the desire for that change starts to overcome our fear of it. That’s when the phrase becomes “Even pain is gain.” To stay in a relationship that isn’t working is painful; to leave it is scary; either way there’s some pain, so why not pick the one that has some promise of relief?

This is when pain becomes preferable. Where we are catapulted into change despite our best efforts to push it away. It’s the point at which suffering becomes our greatest ally, because it urges us to do what is good for us, not what feels good. And paradoxically, that ends up feeling good.

Aren’t we lucky? When we’ve suffered enough, we’re willing to change. It’s what often nudges an addict into recovery (alcohol is no longer masking my pain well enough, so I need to do the incredibly hard job of sobering up), a diabetic into healthy eating choices (sugar used to make me happy but now it’s killing me so I’ll have to find something else to take its place), an abuser into anger management (having no control has robbed me of my family, so I better learn new ways to express myself). These changes may have felt absolutely impossible before, and undesirable, to boot. We had to “hit bottom” to want change even more than we want to avoid change.

For the less life-threatening changes such as losing ten pounds, getting a new job or changing spending habits, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we carried around the idea that “When I’m ready, I will move simply and eagerly into the new behavior.” This is part of the philosophy of Humanistic Psychotherapy, which states that human beings are all moving instinctively toward their healthiest states.

Imagine how much easier life would be if we believed in this. We could stop beating ourselves up for failing to make the changes that we know are good for us. I believe strongly that if we could just be kinder to ourselves, we’d have much more strength to become what we want to become. Instead, many of us beat ourselves up for not being perfect, thinking this will spur us toward health. Logically that makes no sense. Does beating a child for doing something wrong help that child to find the strength and confidence to do better? No, it merely scares and shames them into temporary change. If we could treat ourselves with as much love as we do a baby, we might, like that baby, have the nurturance to grow and thrive. And when the time is right, and when we’ve suffered enough, we’ll make the changes we need to make. We are all moving, right now, towards our best selves.

Making the Best of a Bad Job

“Occupational disorders do not take life, they merely ruin it.”

In the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders TR-VI) occupational problems are work issues that are so severe that they need clinical attention, and their own diagnosis. Stresses like unemployment, the threat of losing your job, stress on the job, difficult work conditions, job dissatisfaction, job change, fighting with coworkers and uncertainty about career choices can bring on depression and anxiety so strong that you can barely function, much less work to your highest capacity.

Adults spend most of their lives at work: statistics say that the average retiree has spent over 80,000 hours on the job. You’d never know it, though, from how little job stresses are considered. Compared to many other disorders, which can run to ten pages of description in the DSM, occupational problems gets just one little paragraph. The same devaluation is often true in our social life, where we might think “Who doesn’t have job problems? And who wants to hear me talk about them when we’re not at work?” Often, this even holds true in the therapy office, where we ask about lovers, parents and friends, but sometimes forget to ask what’s going on in the office. There isn’t a lot of scientific research devoted to occupational problems, either. This might be because the problem is hard to define, or because “job” is hard to define—it varies over cultures, genders and throughout a person’s lifespan. Does a stay-at-home mom have a job? Does a child? If you’re between jobs, can you have an occupational problem?

From a clinical standpoint, it gets complicated because work problems often piggyback onto, or are disguised by, other disorders. For instance, if you’re depressed, you could also have a separate occupational issue, making it harder to see where the work problem fits in, or to realize its significance. Or you might blame yourself for issues at work—fights with a co-worker, say, that leave you feeling drained and angry—because you see these kinds of problems in your family life too.

These days, we’re told to be happy just to have a job. But when we have significance stress at the office that carries over into the rest of our lives, causing sleep disturbances, emotional trauma and even health risks, we have to be clear that it’s important to see the pain we’re in. Talking to a therapist about the pressure, anger and sadness that work problems cause can help work through them and reassure you that they’re both normal and significant.

Getting Over Your Shame

There are a lot of books and articles out about what shame is and how to heal it. They have fancy definitions and origin theories about why people feel embarrassed and self-loathing about certain actions, memories or feelings. This is not one of those articles. This is about simply realizing that shame is common and insidious, and trying to put it aside.

Shame happens when we do something or feel something that we think others will judge as very bad. This is beyond our own conscience telling us we’ve done something that’s immoral; it’s more like we carry a nasty high school clique in our brains, sneering at our every move and laughing at us. We’ve taken some imagined or real judgments and swallowed them, making them our own, and very difficult to get away from. We often can’t even gauge if they’re sensible. Feeling shame for purposefully hurting someone is useful; it can keep us from acting this way in the future. Feeling shame for accidentally tripping in public, however, is exhausting and unrealistic. It’s linked to perfectionism and a false idea that people are judging us for every little mistake we make.

Because we are all fallible, and all make mistakes constantly, ranging from small (tripping) to large (screwing up a work assignment), feeling shame at every misstep keeps us from feeling confident and can severely limit our productiveness, causing more shame. If we are frightened of what others may think of us, we are more timid, less likely to take risks and less willing to have adventures. This apprehensiveness, according to recent studies in positive psychology, is one of the main barriers to happiness.

Plus, shame hurts. It eats away at us, says mean things to us, makes us feel small and unworthy. It is an infection that causes physical and emotional damage. And like every other feeling that drags us down, it can at times feel insurmountable. But as with every other feeling, we can control it.

First, analyze your shame. Ask yourself who the judge is: do you really think your action was that terrible, or are you imagining other people criticizing you for it? If it’s the latter, who is the person or people you think are judging you? Did you grow up with a shaming parent, and do you want to continue listening to them? Then ask two more questions: 1. Do you care? Are these people whose opinions you value? and 2. Are you sure? Would you judge them as harshly if they did the same? Is there any way to check if they are truly criticizing you, or if it’s all in your head?

Next, have compassion and kindness for yourself. Imagine what you would say to a friend who had done what you have done. Shower yourself with the kind of gentle loving you would give to a child. Turn to the activities that make you feel more calm and cared for, and treat yourself, even if (especially if) you feel that you don’t deserve it.

Finally, talk to someone. Call a friend who you know can offer you the kindness you can’t find in yourself. Find a therapist who listens without judgment. Surround yourself with understanding so that you can absorb it, copy it and learn to give it to yourself on a daily basis. A part of you knows that beating yourself up is not helpful and never leads to making you a better person. So try to stop the cycle of shame immediately, by reaching out and reaching within.

Why You Need to Be Needy

When I started working with couples, it seemed clear that the biggest problems came up when they blamed each other for, well, everything. Their anger and contempt and sadness was all a way of saying, “I turned to you and you weren’t there.” In return, I focused on working on their ability to get what they need from themselves instead of from their partner.

But lately I’ve been thinking equally hard about that anger and sadness, and the original question most couples come into therapy with: “Why do I feel like my partner doesn’t have my back?” Primary relationships are supposed to be our safe harbor, the place we turn to for peace and support and a foundation for the pressures of life. And we have a right to ask for our home to be our emotional haven. It makes perfect sense to be needy.

Sue Johnson writes about adult attachment, a concept she expanded from John Bowlby, who theorized that babies form connections with their caretakers based on how secure they feel. Later theorists noted that we take these original styles of attachment and use them in our adult relationships. At the simplest level, this means that if our parent was not very attentive (or neglectful or abusive) when we were babies, we never got the assurance and closeness we needed to be feel safe, and so we have a hard time feeling safe and secure with partners later in life.· Just like babies do, adults feel safer when their partner is nearby, responsive, physically loving and paying them close attention.

Johnson says that, even though our society favors independence and autonomy, we need to feel dependent on our partners. At some level, if our partner is open to us emotionally, compassionate and kind, only then can we feel protected enough to ask for what we need. Paradoxically, it’s this dependence that allows us to move away and also get our needs met in other arenas (since clearly, our partner can’t “fix” us, solve all our problems, or be our whole world—see previous blog post).

Further, if we don’t feel safe and secure with our partner, we tend to become either clingy or distant. And underneath the actions that go along with that—begging for more, nagging, shutting down—is a feeling of isolation and despair. Ultimately, when the one place we turn to for peace and love feels precarious, it’s traumatic.

So my definition of what helps of marriage has expanded. In my office, we look at both sides of the same coin: independence and dependence. As with most things in life, what’s important is balance. We need a little of this, a little of that, and plenty of movement back and forth between the two. And yes, there’s always room for us to close down, or to move away from our mates in order to take better care of ourselves. As long as we remember that it’s right to come back, and it’s okay to need them.

When the Gifted Child Grows Up

There are plenty of articles about gifted children, and the benefits and drawbacks of that label. “Giftedness” is what we call intelligence, which is a wonderful quality to have and to have recognized by others. But along with the sharpness of mind and heart comes extra sensitivity and extra perceptiveness, which can feel like a burden. For kids, that can show up as inattentiveness at school, as they understand what’s being taught more quickly than the rest of the class; social struggles, as they feel different from their peers; and acting out, as they struggle to make sense of their “gifts.”

Less has been written about what happens to that child as he or she gets older. What I’ve seen in my practice is an abundance of intense, intelligent, perfectionist adults who are still wrestling with the same demons of boredom and hyper perceptiveness. They, too, have a hard time making friends they feel close to, finding work that challenges them, and quieting down their ever-active minds.

Are you one of those people who wanders through a party feeling lost, preferring one long, deep conversation in the corner of the room to the lively chatter at the cocktail bar? Do you find that your creative ideas aren’t appreciated at work, but your boss would rather you just follow orders without asking questions? Or do you suffer the existential angst of someone who is always aware that there’s more lurking at the corners of life, more questions, or conundrums, or despair?

Depression and anxiety have been linked to high intelligence, and it makes sense that the more we’re aware of, the less even and sunny our world view probably is. When your thought process isn’t simple, neither is your mood. In addition, boredom has recently been shown to create the same stress response in the brain as does danger. Gifted adults struggling to find work in a down economy, staying home with children or stuck at an unchallenging job can easily find themselves anxious and fretful.

So is it possible to find complexity and depth a positive quality, instead of a burden? Can we channel into creativity the desire to relentlessly look within and want more, instead of it leaving us feeling sapped? Giftedness, after all, often includes a flair for experimentation, flexible thinking, and a quick sense of humor. Perhaps one way to help focus these talents in a positive way, is to acknowledge their negative aspects. Gifted adults, like gifted kids, have impressive traits that can make them feel on some days like valedictorians, but other days like nerds. Realizing the burden of giftedness is a good first step to rising above it.

Why Facebook Is Making You Sad

When social media was first introduced, it was hailed as a cure to loneliness, a new stage in globalization, and a step forward in world peace. Later, studies showed that too much time on sites like Facebook and Instagram could increase depression and cause addiction. What I find in my practice is some combination of the two extremes. Logging on can make people feel more connected, but as often as not, it leads to a particularly modern phenomenon: comparing our lives to others', and coming up short each time.

When my clients use social media, it can help them link to friends and family around the globe. For people with immobility or crippling poverty, internet posts and IMs are an important and inexpensive way to stay a part of the human race. We therapists are always suggesting that our clients improve their support system. "Pick up the phone," we urge. These days, messaging online is a good alternative to a phone call; yes, a human voice is nicer (and live presence even nicer than that), but in the end, contact is contact is contact. Getting an email or posting or even a "like" can truly brighten our day and make us feel cared for.

But Facebook can also make us believe we’re the only ones without a happy family, a great job, a beautiful home, a Hawaiian vacation. Everyone else looks so happy in their online photo albums, seems so successful on their Linked In update. It’s easy to compare ourselves to them and find ourselves wanting.

This is a danger because it isn’t real. Social media is by its nature a shallow medium, and shows only one, carefully cultivated side of people’s complex lives. Because many sites are also used for professional contacts, the images put up there tend to be positive and superficial. iPhotos of family get-togethers, posts about successes, messages to loved ones on special occasions. People pick and choose what they’re willing to put out there, to show themselves in the best possible light. Which means that if you’re sitting at home feeling like your life’s a failure, all you’re going to get from social media is a whopping case of envy and why-me’s.

As with everything in life, and especially with everything online, we have to look beneath the surface. There’s fantasy on one end of the spectrum (which is often what we see in public websites) and cynicism on the other end. In the middle is reality—everyone has both good and bad in their lives, everyone struggles sometimes. If we can live in this middle ground, this realistic view of both ourselves and others, we can give ourselves a break and feel happy for the triumphs of our friends.

What If No One Cares How You Look Except You?

I read a great post the other day about how to talk to your daughter about her body. In a nutshell what it said was: Don’t. Celebrate its strength, work to promote its health, and explain its functions, but skip all the criticism or praise about how it’s shaped. The soundness of this philosophy is backed up by the experience of one of my close friends. Her parents never mentioned her beauty, and because of that, she grew up with a blissful unawareness and lack of concern over her looks. That they happen to be gorgeous is a help, of course, and now she knows she’s considered lovely, but it’s just never been a focus for her. She doesn’t inspire jealousy in friends, doesn’t need attention from men to make her feel worthwhile, and doesn’t spend more than ten minutes at a time styling her hair.

Can you imagine how much hours it would free up, to rarely think about how you look? To concentrate instead about how healthy your choices are, how much energy you have, how wonderfully your body works to keep you active and functioning? For my clients, a hyper-focus on body image leads to two results: spending inordinate amounts of time and resources on keeping it “acceptable,” or giving up altogether and limiting their life in fear of how others will judge them.

Here’s a quick list of what people who are preoccupied with their looks miss out on: Sex. Swimming. Exercise. Enjoying food. Socializing. Buying clothes that fit and flatter them. Being in photographs. Dancing. Attending family functions. High school reunions. Dating. Dining in public. Basically, it’s a laundry list of precisely those active and social pastimes that stave off depression and keep us healthy both physically and emotionally.

Under our worry about our looks is the assumption that everyone—family, friends, complete strangers—are commenting on and judging our bodies for the worse. This is likely created by the awful reality of having family members who criticized our looks as we were growing up, or even family members who remarked positively, but constantly ·(which relates back to that post—just don’t do it). We, especially we women, are taught by society and media and those around us that our looks will be evaluated.

And yet I believe this happens far less often than we think it does. When you go for a walk, are you assessing and criticizing the appearance of everyone you see? Or are you more concerned with your own thoughts, your list of worries, or appreciation of nature, or conversation with a friend? And if you are looking around gauging everyone else’s looks, isn’t it really in comparison to yourself, to make yourself feel better (or, often, worse)?

I don’t believe people care that much about others’ bodies. I think they care far, far too much about their own. Therefore, if we can practice shifting the focus from looks to health, from them to us, from critical to celebratory, we’re doing a favor not just for us, but for everyone around us, and for the generations to come.

If You Want To Be Heard, Quiet Down

In couples therapy, much of the time in the first several meetings is taken up with each partner venting his or her frustration. They’re telling their side of the story, partly in the hopes of convincing the therapist that they have it tougher than their partner does (which sometimes is true, but that’s beside the point). There’s nothing wrong with this process, and indeed it can be very productive, to have a safe place to get feelings out.

Then the trouble begins. Because for many of us, it’s hard to move past the anger. We have nothing new to say, but our feelings are still raw and insistent, so we think we still need to spew them. At this point, the anger moves from being necessary and assertive to being hurtful and harmful.

The truth is, this happens with any two people in a confrontation, from siblings to a parent and child to coworkers to people standing in line for a chai latte. In the heat of our anger, it feels so important to hold onto it, defend it, and voice it.

But watch what happens when one person feels attacked. They immediately either defend or withdraw (fight or flight). Either way, the path to communication has been pretty much shut down at that moment. You might feel better telling your spouse or child or fellow driver exactly why you have a right to your reaction. But if your goal is to work things out and gain greater connection—as almost all couples state when they come into counseling—then what you’re doing is accomplishing exactly the opposite. Congratulations, you have a right to be mad. Now what?

The answer is, we have to put aside the anger, or at least the expression of it. We can still be mad, but we have to be able to take care of those feelings on our own in order to dial down the emotional temperature. We do this by walking away, take a time out, doing breathing exercises, shooting hoops, whatever works for you. Then we can come back together more calmly in order to talk it out. We put aside those behaviors that don’t help—blaming, yelling and defending—in favor of the cool, composed, thoughtful tones that encourage the other person to hear us.

Pretty boring stuff. No one really wants to hear about “active listening techniques” and “using ‘I’ statements,” and talking to each other in these stilted ways can feel fake. But what’s the alternative? We’re grown-ups (unless you’re kids, in which case kudos to you for learning this early on, imagine what you’ll accomplish in life), so we have to control ourselves. And as with everything important in life, this is really hard to do. It takes a lot of practice and self-control to master the art of communication, and especially with family members, who press all of our buttons and often leave us feeling like hotheaded teens.

So the lesson is difficult, but clear: if you want to be heard, talk more softly. And if you want to win, you’re bound to lose.