Just Thinking About Life is Life-Changing

How many industries run on the promise of quick changes? The weight loss complex, self-help books, financial advice, tutoring courses, parenting programs, the list goes on. “Get six-pack abs in ten days,” one video promises. “Learn Spanish in your sleep,” another company swears.

The proliferation of quick-fix products keeps up the illusion that other people around us are getting what they want without having to work very hard for it. We’ve become trained to want instant gratification and miracle cures. Throwing money at a problem, hiring an expert to guide us or looking to the latest fad is highly seductive. It feels motivating to believe that something can happen, in only days, to change years of habits and thought processes. This is despite the proof we have showing over and over that quick fixes rarely work on a long-term basis. For instance, according to studies, 95% of diets fail and most dieters will regain their lost weight within five years.

The same holds true in therapy. Some changes come easily and some growth happens overnight, but real, gut-level, permanent differences in how we think and act take time and effort. There are two problems that clients often have with this realization: first, the difficulty of settling in for the long haul and second, the energy it takes to get excited about small—sometimes almost invisible—steps.

I hear the same question all the time. “Why isn’t my life changing yet? I’m doing all this talking and thinking about it, but I stay exactly the same.”

The truth is, they aren’t the same at all, even if their outer circumstances still look the same. They’re changing from the inside out, from the bottom up, from the molecules. If your molecules were morphing, would you expect to see anything on the outside? Would you expect to look and feel different right away? No, you’d know that that level of growth was a slow process, but one that would last forever.

A speaker at my clinic gave the most wonderful analogy a few weeks ago. She said that long-held bad habits or negative thought spirals are like an eighteen-wheeler driving down the same muddy road, day after day. After a few years, the ruts in the road would be so deep that it would feel impossible to move that truck onto another pathway. It might even take two people to tug the steering wheel over. But over enough time, a new path could be forged. That’s how connections in the brain work, too. You’ve had years upon years of the same neural pathways, the same messages (“you’re lazy”) or behaviors (chocolate every afternoon) or strategies (martinis to medicate stress). Those repetitions take time to change. It can’t happen overnight.

The coolest part—which is often the most annoying to my clients—is that a lot of the work is done before you even realize it’s happened. It starts the minute you begin to think about your life in a different way, and to hope for change. At that point, you still haven’t changed much externally. You’re still sitting on the couch too much, or putting yourself down too often. But on that molecular level, you’re already on the journey to health. Some people take moments to enact change, and others take decades. But the first steps are just as valid and just as life-changing as the last ones. So take a deep breath, and let yourself learn at the speed that’s comfortable to you now. And be proud of what you’ve already accomplished, just reading this blog and thinking about change.

The Goodness of Anger

I don’t usually share cute animal videos, but this one really spoke to me:

http://www.wimp.com/stopnightmare/

I mean, it’s insanely adorable, sure. But I keep thinking about it in terms of parenting, friendships and therapy. I guess it fits into my philosophy that what we all most need is unconditional love, whether it comes from a parent, ourselves or a therapist. If we weren’t lucky enough to get the right parenting—and who was?—then as adults we have a strong need to fix that. And the term “parenting” comprises both guidance (right vs. wrong, boundaries, tough love) and simple, pure, mushy warmth. It makes me rethink my own parenting style, which focuses a lot on helping my kids be independent and hardy, when a lot of times what they want is what that kitten has—someone to hold them just a little tighter.

Parenting is a constant struggle for balance, and for re-balancing when you realize you’ve gone too far in one direction or another, or you figure out that at this moment, your child needs something different from what you’re giving. Therapy is often similar. The relationship there is nothing like parent and child, and the client is the guide of the work, but the therapist has to be aware of the two needs of the client—to grow and understand herself, and to be held emotionally. Does anyone have enough warmth? Enough acceptance? Sometimes what we really need is just to have someone who believes in us and sits with us through our struggles.

That’s a lot to read from a kitten video. But when I look at it, I think (in a tone of pure contentment), “Aaaaahhhh.” That’s pure warmth. That’s pure love.

The Lies Your Anxiety Tells You

One of the hardest things about feeling anxious is the confusion about what’s real and what isn’t. Anxiety fears feel like they’re true, but they’re usually not. They’re belief systems that are so quickly inflamed and so endlessly repeated that most of time we end up believing in thoughts that are far from reality.

It gets tricky when the thought starts with a grain of truth. Maybe one time you had a fender-bender on the freeway, and that fear creates a loop in your mind so that now you’re scared ever to drive in fast traffic. Or at one party, you said something embarrassing, and now you’re convinced that every word out of your mouth is a potential social bomb. These thoughts are harder to shake because they’re based in reality.

And yet the way we deal with them is far from realistic. Anxiety causes each thought or experience to swell and darken, until they look and feel much more menacing than they really are. Concerns that others could soothe with some simple cooling thoughts—“Traffic accidents are relatively rare” or “Everyone says something embarrassing occasionally, but people like them anyway”—start to feel impossible to tame.

Sometime anxiety starts in the body instead of as a thought. The sympathetic nervous system gets triggered, we feel a thumping heartbeat, quicker breathing and twitchy muscles, and then the mind looks for something to blame it on. What am I so upset about? Suddenly we’re searching for a cause and choosing targets that may or may not be significant. It must be my relationship. And then we’re off on the cycle of repetitive thoughts that feel unmanageable.

Anxious thoughts and an anxious response in our bodies are almost always linked, and they always need to be dealt with on both levels. First, taking deep breaths and slowing our body movements can help bring some oxygen and blood flow back to the brain, making it easier to think logically. Experts suggest breathing in to a count of four and out to a count of five, both through the nose. The slower out-breath mimics breathing patterns while we sleep, and can help trick our brain into thinking we’re relaxed before we actually are.

Second, it’s time for a reality check. When we can’t tell the difference between a reasonable fear and an anxious one, we need to check in. Sometimes we can do that on our own, with a thought record. Cognitive-behavioral therapy techniques have a specific worksheet you can follow to identify a thought that’s causing you grief, examine it, decide which facts support it and which negate it, and then replace it with a more rational idea. Here’s a link to a nice explanation of how that’s done: http://ohsheglows.com/2011/11/02/how-to-reframe-a-negative-thought-with-a-thought-record/

Other times, it’s really hard to figure out on our own if our thoughts are realistic. That’s when a friend, sponsor, spiritual guide or therapist can help. Check in with someone else to see if your fears make sense or line up with other people’s vision of the world. If you get outside verification that, in fact, none of your friends worries about going broke every time he or she spends a dollar, then this can help you recognize that this fear is out of proportion.

This is step number one on a road to anxiety relief. And it’s a big, important step—knowing that some of your thoughts are causing you unnecessary pain. To identify these thoughts is to open the door to the rest of the steps that can heal them, which will eventually include being able to replace the thoughts, test them in the world, and have an arsenal of tools designed to soothe them. But before any of that work can be done, first work on labeling the thought what it really is—a tormenter who lies to you. A critic who frightens. An exaggeration that intimidates. And an old pattern, that can and will be controlled.

Keeping Your Mouth Shut Might Make You Sick

Therapists know that talking about something, over and over, is almost always more helpful than harmful. It turns out that this is even true when it comes to talking about things that are incredibly painful, scary and upsetting. New findings on the reactions of people who have PTSD and are in research studies shows this. So whether your trauma is major or minor, sitting on your story might make you feel safer, but in the long run you’re really missing out.

Here’s what the studies show: Over the past twenty years or so, researchers have been worried about the potential downside of doing studies with people with PTSD. Most trauma studies ask participants to remember seriously terrifying memories, and some deliberately provoke the memories, then measure reactions. For a long time, investigators guessed that this process would re-traumatize people, and took steps to minimize the possible consequences.

But over the past ten years, studies have gauged the actual effect of this research, and have found that the opposite is often true. Overall, participants had positive experiences with research studies. Most felt minimally distressed. And the suffering they did feel often didn’t even last until the end of the study.

Looking more closely at the distress itself, one thing in these studies became clear: pain isn’t always seen as negative. This is counter to everything we’re taught in Western society, but anyone who’s been through a hard time knows that it’s part awful, part kind of amazing.

Although there clearly are risks involved in asking people to recount painful experiences, the pain felt by some was not the same as the pain that came from the traumatic experiences themselves. Instead of being victimized, now participants were in control of when to tell their stories and how. It turns out that direct questions don’t tend to bring up painful memories the way that more subtle reminders can. Plus, the benefit outweighed the pain: remembering the past was cited as both upsetting, and insightful. Subjects learned more about themselves and their past experiences from recounting them during the study. Another advantage was altruistic, in that subjects were happy to know they were helping others with the same issues.

Most people studied found it useful to reflect on their experiences, and some, even those who felt distressed during the questioning, reported several days’ worth of relief afterward. It’s simple, really. Talking through the memories makes them less powerful. Research shows that people with emotional traumas long to talk about it, and that opening up and sharing their stories is a way to alleviate the pain. In their essay “How Can We Research Human Suffering?” Maria Arman and Arne Rehnsfeldt even give a name to the phenomenon of living through trauma and then not having a chance to talk it through: doubled suffering.

The Perfect Way to Be Imperfect

Is there anything more cutting than rejection? A boss says we’re not working out. A lover prefers someone else, and leaves. An acquaintance decides they don’t like us, for whatever reason. In those situations, it’s tempting—and natural—to think we’ve failed. To assume that if one person thinks poorly of us, everyone must. To beat ourselves up endlessly for not being good enough.

When we’re tired of assuming the worst, we might turn to our friends, who will assure us that none of it is our fault, and that circumstances or other people’s personalities are to blame. We can feel angry with someone other than ourselves and tell ourselves that we really are as blameless as we desperately want to believe. In that way we can shake it off, move on and buck up.

But what if, instead of blaming either ourselves or someone else, we just quietly accepted that sometimes we do things wrong? And that others do too? Imagine the peace that can come from dropping our perfectionism and allowing ourselves to be human. In that way, we can go easier on ourselves when we screw something up, and be kinder to others when they do.

Instead of sitting in traffic assuming that the person who just cut us off is an awful, amoral idiot, we could realize that they just forgot this one time to check their blind spot. And the next time we forget to call a friend who just got back from the hospital, we could forgive ourselves for forgetting. If everyone did this, there would be less road rage, fewer nasty email exchanges.

It isn’t as simple as just “spreading the love,” though. It’s hard work to let go of our innate desire to be—or be seen as—perfect. It means accepting the dark sides of ourselves, and forgiving ourselves for transgressions as small as a missed appointment or as large as being an uneven parent. Sometimes we’ll learn from our mistakes and use them as a chance to grow. Other times, we’ll have to just nod at them as they go by—“Oops, I did that wrong. Ah well.” Not every mistake is an opportunity. Some are just embarrassing memories.

The real growth comes in loving self-acceptance. To try again, despite having failed. To believe that you’re worthwhile even if you’re not flawless. To admit that you make mistakes. This takes true courage, and leads to true compassion, for ourselves and everyone around us.

Is Your Teen Using?

Figuring out if your teen is using or abusing alcohol or drugs is particularly tricky, since teens don’t tend to self-report, and often lie about their drug use. A web article published by the George Washington University Medical Center stated that only 17% of young people self-report, and almost half of young people in treatment got there only because they were referred by the criminal justice system. Another study (Wayne State University and the National Institute on Drug Abuse, 2010) showed that teens—and parents—generally didn’t answer questions honestly about their own drug use.

Because of this, parents and teachers can’t really just come out and ask, “Are you using?” Instead, they can look for clues. Being aware of the risk factors that put teens in danger of abusing substances, and the behavioral clues that could signal substance use can help identify who’s in trouble. These clues, according the AAMFT website, include:

• Physical evidence of drugs and drug paraphernalia

• Behavior problems and poor grades in school

• Emotional distancing, isolation, depression, or fatigue

• Change in friendships or extreme influence by peers

• Hostility, irritability, or change in level of cooperation around the house

• Lying or increased evasiveness

• Decrease in interest in personal appearance

• Physical changes, such as bloodshot eyes,runny nose, frequent sore throats, rapid weight loss

• Changes in mood, eating, or sleeping patterns

• Dizziness and memory problems.

Two factors should ring some loud bells: if family members have a history of alcohol or drug use, and if friends are using substances. The correlation is high between parents and kids’ use, and between kids and their friends. Also, look at changes in behavior. Even a small decline in school performance or increase in disciplinary problems can indicate substance use.

It’s important to note that warning signs do not constitute a disorder, and problematic drug use doesn’t always warrant a formal rehabilitation. Some teens safely experiment. Others use for a short while and then stop. If you have any suspicions, let a professional help, with both identifying the problem and with treating it.

Stress Relief

I’m currently leading an unemployment support group with my co-leader, the excellent Jennifer Saunders. We do one-hour seminars on relieving the stress that unemployment can bring. While preparing a recent presentation, it occurred to me that—once again—I needed to take my own advice. Stress is stress, whether it’s from looking for work or from the fear of standing in front of people and trying to sound like an expert. Because of that, the tools that we’re offering can be used in any situation, and for any reason.

In January, we’ll be retooling the presentation for our biggest audience yet, 50 people. So we’ll add some new pieces, about the physical effects of stress (headaches, stomach aches, muscle aches, back aches; lack of sleep, constant exhaustion, slowed thought processes; increased heart rate and increased risk of all sorts of illnesses and diseases), to the parts we already have about all the emotional risks of stress (depression, panic attacks, anger, irritability, etc. etc.).

And after we’ve thoroughly bummed everyone out with all the negatives, we’ll discuss specific tools to combat stress. We all know how to “fight” against our stress by digging in and working harder. But Jennifer and I focus less on motivation for the task at hand, which can often just cause more of the same anxiety, and focus more on changing your whole point of view, if only for half an hour a day. You can do this through social outlets like support groups or picking up the phone to call a friend. Or by keeping yourself calm through listening to music, petting an animal or journaling. Or by escaping into reading, going to the movies or getting a massage.

And then there’s my favorite tactic: the research-backed, evidence-supported technique called mindfulness. This can be as simple as bringing yourself back to this very moment, enjoying the sounds, tastes, smells and sights around you so that the scurrying monkey mind is temporarily quieted. Or it can mean serious meditation, with a mantra; or guided imagery, both of which take time and practice but are oh-so-worth the effort, since they often lead to long-term improvements in health.

Either way (or in many other ways), mindfulness helps to slow the heartbeat and clear the mind. It teaches us that we have some control over our bodies and our stress levels. And it forces us to take time away from what we’re supposed to be accomplishing and instead spend that time on our most important accomplishments—ourselves.

You're Not Right

Could it be that the key to a happy relationship is giving up on the concept of ever being right? The truth is, the very words “right” and “wrong” have almost no place in our conversations with loved ones. (With the exception, of course, the big Wrongs, such as non-consensual violence and cruelty.) People are entitled to their desires, and their partners or family members or friends are entitled to accept or refuse them. But even if you don’t like what your loved one is asking for, that doesn’t make them incorrect. It just means that each of you has to give in a little to find a middle ground.

If we accept this—that neither party is wrong—it takes away the blame, the defensiveness, the judgments. What we’re left with is two people with (sometimes wildly) differing opinions. If you want to get along with this person, don’t try to change their opinion or transform it into your own. Instead, try to find a compromise.

After all, you didn’t choose this person because they were exactly, 100% similar to you. You picked them because you saw qualities in them that you admired or wanted to emulate, qualities that were by definition different from yours. Or they’re family members, thrust upon you in the genetic poker game. Either way, since this person is not exactly like you, he or she will always have different points of view. And even when those points of view are really annoying, they’re still valid.

Seriously. Even if your boyfriend wants to, say, French-kiss frogs and you’d rather go dancing. You don’t get to say that dancing is inherently more valuable than frog-kissing. You have two options (and making him think differently is not one of them): either break up with him, or find a middle ground. Dancing with frogs? Kissing frogs and then doing a dance? Watching two TV shows that involve dancing and frogs?

This is true of almost any conflict in which the relationship is important to you. Give a little and get a little, or leave. To ask someone to change who they are is never going to work for a long-term relationship. And judging their needs as “wrong” is just, well, not right.

You Can Take Your Just Be Happy and Shove It

I went to a lecture recently in which the speaker led us in an exercise. She had us close our eyes while she said “No, no, no! Yes, yes, yes!” Then she asked how we felt with each word. People answered that they felt sad when she said no, and happy and upbeat when she said yes. But my response was very different: I was annoyed.

Later (after chastising myself for my crankiness), I figured out that my frustration arose for two reasons, one of which I’ll discuss in this post (I’m leaving the second for the next post). The first is that I don’t believe that happiness is a simple concept. The idea that merely listening to the word “yes” can change our perspective and make us joyful seems like a ridiculous oversimplification. It’s not that far from the statement, “Don’t worry, be happy,” which I find a dangerous cliché. It infers that positivity is always under our control, so if you’re not happy, you’re just not trying hard enough. But if depressed people could think themselves happy in some one-step, no-fail way, then they would already have done it.

This kind of wishful thinking is reflected in trends like "The Secret," the book Oprah Winfrey touted that advises us that if we put out positive vibes, our lives will be filled with more positive things, like money and relationships. Visualize your dreams coming true, and they will. This sounds lovely, and probably feels good, but the flip side of it is the belief that if you don’t have money and strong relationships, it’s because you just haven’t wished for it diligently enough.

The truth is, positive thinking is an important part of treating depression. But it isn’t easy or, for many people, natural. A complex practice of gratitude, affirmations and confidence-boosting can lift one’s mood and clear one’s mind-—over weeks of concentrated repetition. “Just say yes,” “Don’t worry, be happy” or “You get back what you put out” are oversimplified clichés that carry the judgment that if you just put the smallest amount of effort into it, you’d be all better. To that, I just say no.