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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

The Pleasures of Detachment in Relationships

Have you ever had one of those days when you come home in a good mood, but your partner is so stressed that suddenly you’re tense too? Or your girlfriend wakes up angry and withdrawn, and your attitude—even your whole day—is shot. At moments like that in relationships, our close connection to our partner is no longer sweet, it’s just plain exhausting. The truth is, the romantic notion of being completely tuned in to someone else is just that: a fairy-tale construct. A better balance can be found in what AlAnon calls “detaching with love.” Somewhere between intimacy and independence, it’s a more realistic, more functional way to relate to your loved one.

When we’re younger we might fantasize about having a partner who completes us and makes us feel completely known. Hopefully, as we mature, we gain a sense that we’re already complete on our own. At that point, we start looking for a partner/playmate to enjoy life alongside, and provide us support. This results in a less entangled way of loving that is still close, still warm, but with better emotional boundaries so it’s no longer draining.

Detachment means building a space between two people, so your emotions aren’t as affected or swamped by your spouse. By doing this, you can be more compassionate. Getting some distance from the harder emotions and seeing them almost from afar lets you love your partner without having to heal them or be responsible for their feelings.

What does detaching look like? Some key factors include:

1. Not allowing their moods to affect yours. It’s hard to hold onto your equilibrium when you’re trapped in a car with a stressed, sad or angry partner. But being able to distinguish their reactions from your own, is both protective of yours (I’m a separate person and I don’t have to get dragged down right now) and respectful of theirs (You’re allowed to be in a lousy mood).

2. Not trying to solve your partner’s problems. Allowing your partner to have their own struggles and find their own solutions is actually more considerate and shows more faith in them. If you can’t trust them to figure their own stuff out, you’re veering dangerously close to treating them like a child.

3. Finding your individual voice. Pursuing your own interests, friendships, tastes or values even if your partner disagrees is a crucial step to not losing yourself in a relationship. It’s lovely to have interest in each other’s hobbies, but having your own passions and being allowed to continue to pursue them separate from your partner means you each have more to bring home and discuss with each other. It keeps you more interesting and more fulfilled.

4. Being able to tolerate your partner’s pain. It is an impossible task to try to shield your partner from any discomfort or even suffering. It’s not your job and they will probably resent you for trying and/or failing. You can comfort and have compassion without leaping in, sacrificing yourself or turning yourself inside out to caretake them.

5. Letting your partner be mad at you, without giving in or fearing they will leave. In a healthy relationship, conflict is tolerated and worked through, not avoided at all costs. Trying to deny any conflict means one of you is giving in and will eventually feel erased or resentful.

All those romantic notions of two becoming one can lead to losing yourself. While dependence or codependence can sap you, and independence can lead to a bit too much distance and coolness, detaching with love (also referred to as interdependence) is a great way of staying connected while not losing yourself.

The benefits of remaining more detached are multifold. Some examples are:

1. Building your own sense of self. By not turning to your partner for self-esteem, you build your own self-definition and have less resentment for the inevitable time when your partner can’t be/do/reflect everything you need.

2. Allowing your loved one their own moods without making it about you. If you’re not judgmental or furious when your partner is having a bad day, you give them space to be real. By not getting reactive to them, you give them permission to have a full range of feelings, negative and positive.

3. Creating more relationships and activities outside the relationship that nurture you. By finding other ways to fulfill your needs, you don’t make unrealistic demands on your partner and can feel less disappointed in them.

4. Reconnecting with parts of yourself you might usually bury in relationships. By having a little emotional distance from your partner, you are able to define yourself not through their eyes but all by yourself. This makes room for all of your parts, even the ones your partner doesn’t like or connect with.

5. Making a plan for your future that fully accounts for your own needs. Although that plan will have to be shaped in accordance with your partner’s needs and desires, you’ll at least start with a clear idea of what you want. Then, compromise can be a choice rather than a defeat. If you are so wrapped up in a communal sense of “our” plan for “our” future, you can lose sight of what “You” want.

Once you’ve made a commitment to yourself to have more emotional space from your partner, it can be confusing to know how to achieve it. Here are some concrete steps you can take to increase your loving detachment. Some of them take time to develop and can most easily be learned and practiced with the help of a therapist:

1. Spend more time with friends. It’s easy to make one person your everything and use every bit of energy on them. Making time to spend with others in your life helps you remember strengths and personality traits that you may have put aside in your main relationship. It’s common to have friends who bring out your sense of humor, others who push you intellectually. Truly, the more, the merrier.

2. Pursue your favorite pastimes. When you can spend time on anything that interests you—gardening, biking, reading—you become a more interesting person. This in turns helps you feel that you have a full, fulfilling life outside your relationship, and brings new content inside it. By exploring passions that you may not have time or space for if you’re constantly with your partner, you aren’t making the unrealistic demand of your partner that they should be everything you want in one package.

3. Invest in yourself. Spend money, time or resources on yourself. This could be taking a class, starting a new hobby, getting a massage or redoing your apartment. Anything that takes the focus off the relationship and onto self-care or self-improvement is a way to prove to yourself that you value yourself.

4. Imagine a boundary between you and the ones you love. When your partner is upset, notice how affected your are by that and try to soothe your own reactions. Doing breathing techniques to relax, or visualizing a screen between you (picture an actual screen door or force field separating you), allows you the space to sit back and observe rather than jump into the fray.

5. Be mindful. There are scores of articles, websites and apps devoted to the practice of mindfulness. In general it means observing your own emotions instead of feeling ruled by them. In those moments when your partner is having a problem, mindfulness allows you to accept that this makes you feel lousy, take a deep breath, and allow to it be there without fixing it (remember: just because you feel something doesn’t mean it has to be acted on). This helps the feeling to pass more quickly and feel less upsetting.

Don’t worry that these techniques will cause too much emotional distance. Having a life outside your marriage actually makes your life inside your marriage even more abundant. If connection is the yin of relationships, detachment is the yang—equally valuable though a bit less easy to understand. It means being close to and aware of your partner while also being a fully independent person, who doesn’t rely on them to feel okay and who doesn’t confuse your emotions with theirs. It means being okay with physically being alone and having time apart, and also being okay with occasional emotional separation. It’s that lovely concept of balance, in which all parts of you, your loved one, and your shared relationship are accepted without having to edit them or deny certain factors. As it turns out, the most mature and the most romantic relationships are also the most real.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

7 Tips for Managing Anxiety in Relationship When Your Spouse is Not Preventative During COVID-19

We’re all coping with COVID 19 in our own ways. Some people are becoming extra productive, using their downtime to write a novel and deep clean the pantry, while others consider it a triumph to shower daily. Some are attending to their hygiene and health with surgical precision, while others feel the suggested precautions are utter nonsense. What do you do if you’re anxious about catching the virus, and your partner is not?

The answer, in the big picture, is the same I give to any of my clients experiencing conflict in a relationship. First, talk it out and see if any of your partner’s behaviors can shift. Then, regardless of how much or how little they have changed, work on shifting your own feelings and perceptions. This combination of increased communication with turning your attention to yourself is the only way to feel like you have power over the situation—because the only one we really can change is our self.

First, tell your partner how it makes you feel when they don’t wash their hands, or get together with friends, or whatever it is they’re doing that drives you batty. Use the basic rules of effective communication: I statements and emotion words. For instance, instead of “You’re so selfish to bring germs into our home,” try “I feel really nervous whenever you go out.” By focusing on your own fears and concerns, for yourself and your partner, it’s more likely your partner will feel empathy for you (as opposed to feeling defensive and attacked).

The other half of communication is listening. After you talk, get curious about their point of view. They might make a few good points that could help you find middle ground. You will probably not change your partner’s mind to the point where they do everything exactly as you do, but there’s a better chance you can find a compromise that works for both of you.

Because communication isn’t about getting our way, we often end up a bit frustrated. This is when it’s so important to know how to soothe and take care of your own feelings, by yourself. Here are some ideas for feeling better about living with someone who is more cavalier about coronavirus:

  1. Know that no two people will approach the same situation in exactly the same way. Let go of the romanticized idea that you can influence your partner to the point that they will do what you want them to.

  2. Know there isn’t actually a perfect approach to safety right now. There are many different opinions and varying advice about how to approach this crisis, and even though your point of view seems ideal, others may have validity.

  3. Reframe how you are interpreting your partner’s actions. Often we take others’ actions personally, in this case feeling that their lack of anxiety over the virus means they don’t care about our fear or our health. Instead, it’s likely that they feel their approach is the most logical and reasonable, and believe that they are in no way harming you.

  4. Separate yourself from your partner emotionally. Allow them to do things their way while you concentrate on and take care of you. Your own hygiene habits will go a long way toward protecting you. Try to turn your thoughts from your partner’s behaviors to your own self care, and be kinder than ever to yourself.

  5. If necessary for your health or for your anxiety, separate from them a bit more physically. If possible, ask them to wash before entering the house, shower daily, even sleep in a separate room.

  6. Practice compassion. Both to you and your partner, be as loving and caring as possible. Anxiety makes us want to be as in control as possible, but since we can’t actually control other people, this tactic often backfires, making our partners feel rebellious. Instead, take a deep breath, allow them to do things their way, and open up space that maybe they aren’t being as (insert negative thought here) as you fear. You don’t have to hug them or agree with them, but the more compassion you allow in, the better you will feel during this difficult time.

For many, their gratitude for not having to face this crisis alone can go a long way. Remember to turn to your partner as much as you can, for as much comfort as you can get—and give. Hopefully, these anxiety management strategies will help you in establishing relationship harmony during these extraordinary, unprecedented times.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

Fighting the Pressure to Be the Perfect Shut-in

Many of my friends and clients are feeling a particular pressure right now to be extra productive and use their safer-at-home time to complete tasks and learn new skills. Some of them are hosting family sports tournaments, cleaning out closets, or writing that novel that was wasting away in a file. Others are slaying life by juggling home schooling with working from the home office. Others, however, are fighting off depression and anxiety and are having trouble just getting out of bed.

I’m reminded over and over that there’s no “right” way to function right now. Some people feel better when they’re industrious, and work best with a strict schedule. Others are learning to sit with their anxiety and do very little. And others are just enjoying bingeing House (not talking about myself or anything) and taking an occasional walk.

The only rule here is that we protect ours and others’ health. Otherwise, this is a time when all bets are off, there’s no such things as normal, and the last thing anyone needs is extra pressure to be or do anything.

I ask my clients this week to be in the moment long enough to figure out what gives them the most relief. If it’s work, great. If it’s exercise, or rest, or Zoom with Wine, excellent. Allow yourself to do what works right now, remind yourself it’s all temporary, and know that if you’re typically hard on yourself for how you do work/life/relationships, you’re likely to be hard on yourself for how you’re doing isolation. If you’re comparing yourself to others and believing they’re doing quarantine better than you, catch yourself, and try to let it go.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

Online Support Resources for Coronavirus Anxiety

We all need more connection, more company right now, especially those with mood disorders. Here's a list of online support groups seen recently. Not a definitive list (feel free to send me more) and some may have been one-time only.

  1. Online recovery support group, Tuesdays 9:30-10:45, contact Tori Palliccia, Torilplmft.com, via google hangouts

  2. Online support group, free, Wednesday 9:00 – 10:00 AM PD; Group 2: Wednesday at 7:00-8:00 PM PDT, March 18 – May 6, 2020. Contact Laura Westmoreland, laura@laurawestmoreland.com

  3. Coronavirus Anxiety Support Group, Wednesdays 7:30-9:00 pm, contact Fassazadehs@gmail.com, via Zoom

  4. Free trial for online support group, led by LMFT Rena Pollak, Friday March 27th, 4:00. Via Zoom. Find it by searching Meetup.com for Free Trial - Online Support Group w/ Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

  5. 7 Cups offers free online text chat for emotional support. www.7cups.com

  6. www.18percent.org offers a free, online, peer-to-peer support for people struggling with mental health issues.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

A Letter to Clients with Coronavirus Anxiety

I sent this message out to clients this week, maybe you'll find it helpful:

Hi, I’m sending this to let you know that during this time of great weirdness, I’m offering support in any way I can. I’m doing phone and video sessions, as well as quicker check-ins for those of you who can’t get an hour of privacy. Let me know how you’re doing, and what you need.

So many of us are feeling nervous and at loose ends. In my conversations with clients and friends, a few basic pieces of wisdom keep cropping up that I’ve found soothing, so I thought I’d share them briefly.

  1. Remember that upheaval comes periodically throughout history and the world has always survived it. We are resilient. This too shall pass.

  2. To stay calmer, limit the amount you’re reading and listening to, and be very careful with which sources you allow in. Take frequent breaks from the news and social media.

  3. Stay present as much as possible. For most of us, in this moment right now, everything around us is okay. Give time time—be patient.

  4. Remind yourself that in addition to the challenges of this situation, there are silver linings. Right now there is less pollution, more family time, a break in our often-frantic schedules, and an excuse to get back to basics like cooking, going for walks and checking in with friends. And thank goodness we’re in the golden age of TV— there’s a lot of quality escapism out there.

This is not to diminish in any way how difficult this is, or the fact that some of us are in real danger. But we are already very aware of our fears and concerns, so taking some time to readjust the lens we’re seeing the world through can be helpful. Stay connected, stay safe, stay in touch!

Warmly,

Vicki

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

Guest Post from an Anonymous Client: Having A Therapist Doesn't Make You Crazy

This amazing piece was written by a college-age client of mine. I love the perspective, from someone who knows first-hand, of how talking through things with a trusted professional can help on many levels.

A common misconception is that if you go to therapy, you must be crazy. The truth is, if you go to therapy, you are probably one of the more stable ones in the room.

Therapy is a very stigmatized resource for helping people with a whole variety of things. In some places, like Los Angeles, therapy is somewhat of a fad. Seeing the hottest therapist in town is a trend, and if you don’t go to therapy you aren’t “cool." Other places you are “weird” if you go to therapy, because you must have some extreme problems. Therapy needs to become a much more normalized concept and needs to be seen for all the good it does.

Therapy is a resource anyone and everyone should take advantage of. It is not just something for adults with marital problems. There are therapists that specialize in every phase of a person’s life, from adolescence to adulthood. The job of a therapist is to spend time listening to you talk about yourself. Their job is to support you and help you build a foundation for a better version of yourself.

Everyone can benefit from this.

The bond a person has with their therapist is extremely unique. It can take people two, three, five, etc tries to find the perfect therapist. You have to be comfortable being your complete. honest, most vulnerable self around this person, so there is no harm in “shopping” around until you find the perfect fit.

Mental health care is an extremely important aspect to life, and unfortunately it is not as accessible as it should be to everyone. College students are extremely fortunate in the mental health resources they have available to them. There is a variety of therapists and psychiatrists that students can make an appointment with. There is also often peer counseling . Through peer counseling students can get a feel for therapy in a less formal way, and with someone on the same wavelength.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

Secrets to Building Self-Esteem

Some sayings might be well-intended, but that doesn’t make them true, let alone easy to hear. Case in point: “You can’t find love until you learn to love yourself.”

The people who come to me for help tend to hate that thought. “If I knew how to love myself more,” they say, “I would have started long ago. In fact, I wouldn’t even be in therapy if I had that figured out.”

Improving self-esteem seems to some to be an impossible task. But each time, as we explore it together, similar themes come to the foreground. After years of figuring it out with people from all sorts of backgrounds and at all levels of self-confidence, I’ve come up with a few main components of esteem work.

Here are the key factors, in my experience:

1. Accept That You Are Flawed

The first step toward liking yourself is accepting all parts of yourself. Most people are at least slightly perfectionistic, with an unrealistic expectation that there’s someone out there who can be right or good all the time. (Not only is this impossible, it would make you insufferable.) Self-esteem, on the other hand, is based on unconditional love, which means you expect and allow yourself to mess up sometimes and are gentle with yourself when you do.

This is very different from excusing bad behavior or never asking yourself to grow and change. Instead, it’s about having compassion and kindness toward yourself when you fail, with the knowledge that if you want to change, using a gentle desire to do better is far more productive than viciously beating yourself up.

2. Be Curious About Yourself

You can’t love what you don’t know, so an important step to increasing self-confidence is to learn who you truly are. Often, by early adulthood, people have created a blanket definition of themselves based on their experiences and what others have told them. “I’m shy” or “I have an anger issue” become messages they’ve accepted and no longer question. Even if you’re shy or angry, though, this is only one small part of you.

Another way of not seeing or knowing your full self is when you pick and choose what you let others see. By showing only the parts of yourself that you think look best to others, you hide other pieces which are equally important and valid.

When you take time to examine who you are and who you want to be, you get more clarity about all of you—not just the elements that others have liked or disliked. You can gain insight into how you see yourself: your goals and ambitions, your flaws and failures, where you would like to grow. When you have all the pieces straight, you can start to accept them and integrate them into a real, full picture of yourself.

3. Practice Compassion

It’s a thin line between having compassion for yourself and having it for others. Working on both pieces at the same time is helpful. Often if a person in therapy finds it too tough to start with being kind to themselves, we pivot to working on being kinder to others.

One interesting way to gauge if you’re compassionate to others is to ask if you feel like others are judging you. Although it sounds conflicting, a worry that you are being judged is often an indication you have been taught to judge others. Maybe you came from a household where people’s clothes or weight or religiosity was criticized, and you find yourself as an adult having the same strict rules of behavior for others. It might be hard, then, not to imagine that people are doing the same thing to you. If you were disparaged by family or peers, you might have learned to carry this voice of disapproval inside of you. You might have even come to believe people were disliking you when, in reality, you were disliking yourself.

Having compassion for others is good practice for being kinder to ourselves. Think about letting others off the hook for bad behavior or not living up to your standards. Then try to move that same kind of understanding and gentleness back to yourself so you can realize everyone messes up sometimes. You may be surprised how your perspective shifts from one of distrust to one of tolerance.

Any of these three components of building self-esteem can be worked on by yourself or with the help of a professional. When choosing a therapist, it might be helpful to ask how they approach self-esteem work and if they have a blueprint for increasing self-love. Even if you need not love yourself to find love, it’s worth learning how to do so anyway. It feels good to be the best version of yourself possible.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

CARE: A Simple System for Dealing with Anxiety

We are an “if only” society: “If only I were thinner, smarter, more popular, etc., then I’d be happy.” It’s easy to be tempted by this line of thinking. However, it’s not the lack of problems in our lives that matters, but rather how we respond to the problems we have. From terrible troubles (abuse and neglect) to relatively smaller ones (bullying or minor illness), and from huge stresses (divorce) to slight ones (traffic jams), some people are better at bouncing back from setbacks.

The good news is you can teach yourself to be more resilient.

Let’s look at everyday stresses to practice how to approach them constructively. If you get a bad Yelp review, or your car is dinged in a hit-and-run, or you get downsized at work, your reaction might be to feel overwhelmed by fear and anxiety. A better tactic is to form a game plan.

The CARE acronym is a simple way to remember how best to look at a problem.

1. Consider: What can I do about it?

The first step to facing an anxiety-causing issue is to pause and think it through. Acting blindly and immediately, which many of us do when stressed, often makes the problem worse. So stop, take a few deep breaths to calm your body, and give yourself a chance to think about your options.

Then, reflect on your options. Many people find making a list helpful. At first, include all ideas, from practical to idealistic. If I discover my job is at risk, some items on my list could be talking to my boss, honing my skills to become more attractive to the company, or learning a new skill to try to become indispensable. I could quit preemptively or start looking for new jobs. On the more extreme end of possibilities: moving in with my parents to save money, taking a year to backpack through Europe, or starting my own company. If you have trouble coming up with ideas, enlist someone who is good at creating these kinds of lists or look online for resources and inspiration.

Next, rank your ideas in order of ease and practicality. Which make the most sense? Which would you try first? Which are best left for later? Already, you have plans A and B. This fact alone—having options, even if they all seem risky—may make you feel more in control of your destiny. You will no longer have the double whammy of life being difficult and your own response being lethargic.

2. Act: Have I done everything I can?

The next step is to implement plan A. Put your energy into what you do have power over rather than feeling victimized. Anxiety feels awful, but it has a hidden upside of being energizing. By refocusing the anxiety into activity, you both do something productive and soothe your discomfort.

In the back of your mind, have plan B at the ready. It’s a time-tested “worst-case scenario” strategy which allows you to feel you have created a plan for the most difficult future possibility, and therefore disaster can’t sneak-attack you. Calm your fears by telling yourself if the worst happens, in this case losing your job, you can always move out of your expensive apartment. The fears of going hungry, which might otherwise preoccupy you, can be put to the back of your mind by repeating your “worst-fears soother.”

3. Release Control: What part of this situation is out of my hands?

Here’s where we get rational about what we can accomplish. Much, perhaps even most, of what’s happening cannot be changed by you. It’s essential to be able to separate what you can influence and what you can’t. Ultimately, you cannot command your boss to keep you on, or change the mistakes you made in the past, or get everyone to like and value you. Continuing to try to manage matters that are outside your sphere of influence (including other people’s perceptions of you) will drive you batty.

It turns out the formula for a thriving, happier life is not to arrange it so you have no stress and no problems. It’s to use formulas such as CARE to improve your ability to cope with hardships.

Write down the parts that are beyond your control. This is the converse of the earlier list of actions you can take—this is the list of what you can’t achieve. It’s scary to realize how much we have no power over, but it can also be a relief. Mentally split off what you’re working on from what you cannot work on.

Then, let it go. Some people find it helpful to visualize putting the list in a helium balloon and watching it float away. Others repeat mantras to themselves: “My boss’ choice is out of my hands.” Others burn the list to symbolize releasing control.

4. Ease: How do I live with the part I can’t control?

Okay, you’ve told yourself there’s nothing more you can do. Now what?

When the anxiety rises, calm it. This is like any other anxiety work. It’s accomplished through changing negative thoughts (most effectively through cognitive behavioral therapy), physiology (breathing and exercise, medications), distraction (fun and soothing activities), and relaxation (meditation, mindfulness).

If you’ve never been anxious and this is one of the first big stresses you’ve faced, you may be unfamiliar with all the options out there to self-soothe. Start with the obvious—what has worked for you in the past? A bath, a great TV show, ice cream? Then, do some research on deeper options. By working on your anxiety, you do a service to yourself and the people around you. There are books and blogs dedicated to how to master anxiety, and therapists who specialize in it.

It turns out the formula for a thriving, happier life is not to arrange it so you have no stress and no problems. It’s to use formulas such as CARE to improve your ability to cope with hardships. That way, you can move from if only to what’s next?—a much more proactive stance and one that ultimately reduces fears and anxieties.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

How to Care for Yourself When Your Loved One Is Depressed

When you live with someone who is clinically depressed, there will be days when you’ve got it as tough as they do. Taking care of a loved one—whether it’s a child, partner, relative, or friend—can leave you just as debilitated, in pain, and wracked with frustration as they are. Having a hard time while your loved one is dealing with mental health issues can be like a guilty secret: it’s there, but no one wants to acknowledge it. Unfortunately, in many cases there aren’t a lot of resources available to caregivers. That might make you try to hide your discomfort, which only makes it worse.

For the person living with depression, life may be a constant fight. What looks from the outside like giving in often feels on the inside like consistent effort—when you’re depressed, it can take great exertion just to get out of bed, get dressed, and go to the grocery store. For the person who hopes to care for the sufferer, it’s hard to figure out how best to help. Your great ideas to motivate and distract your loved one might feel too difficult for them, and might even be seen as pushing too hard or having expectations they can’t possibly meet.

Many times, your day will be dictated by their mood, which may leave you feeling some of the same symptoms. If they wake up feeling bright, you can breathe a sigh of relief that your mood may be similarly light. If they come home from work in a funk, you may feel your night is ruined. Consumed by tracking their emotional temperature, they can feel like a tide that sweeps you away.

The hardest part is this: Because you aren’t the one who has the diagnosis, you aren’t supposed to be in pain. Not only are you given little attention or help, but you might call yourself selfish or petty when you feel your own symptoms. When that happens, it’s adding insult to injury—in addition to going through the difficulties of your situation, you’re mad at yourself for not being a superhero or a saint and rising above every challenge, every reaction.

You’re not alone. Many caregivers experience burnout. These are some of the symptoms:

Symptoms of Caregiver Exhaustion

Fear of the Future

One of the main worries when living with someone who is suffering is, “Will this ever end?” The person you knew in the past seems to be gone. The future plans you’ve made together are in jeopardy. Your role has changed. This is not what you signed up for, and you’re not sure you can handle it forever.

With depression, the good news is you can always count on some sort of change. If the condition had a sudden onset—illness, accident, trauma—then it’s possible that as the situation stabilizes, so will their mood. If your loved one has always experienced some degree of depression and it’s recently gotten worse, there is a high likelihood the right combination of medications, therapy, and coping skills will dial the intensity down.

You may never free your life completely of depression. But it tends to be a cyclical condition, with ups and downs, so it rarely stays the same. So, while there is no answer to the question, “How long will this last?” at least you can count on having better moments, and often stabilizing.

Desire for an Escape

No one wants to yearn to get away from the person they love, but when that person acts consistently negative or helpless, it’s a common reaction. And a natural one. Remember there’s a difference between feelings and facts. You can feel rebellious and fantasize about leaving, but act responsibly and stay put.

If you feel trapped, unable to leave or even to take some time off, then it’s important to find as much support as possible. If you have the resources, hiring caregivers or alternative healers can be not only helpful to kick-start your loved one’s recovery, but also to give you some rest. You need a team, whether that’s paid professionals or friends and relatives, to help both of you. Hire a masseuse, personal trainer, or life coach. Ask a friend to come play cards, read books aloud, or cook dinner. Your need to break away is normal and is a strong signal you’re experiencing what therapists call compassion fatigue.

Helplessness and a Thwarted Desire to “Fix” Your Loved One

Are you a researcher? If looking for answers makes you feel more productive, it can feel useful to check out all the different avenues to healing, such as EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), supplements, and electroshock. Many have provided relief to people who have tried other avenues without success.

If you’ve exhausted the possibilities, however, or have limited resources to keep trying new things, then you can easily sink into dejection. Here’s where acceptance comes in, and trying to avoid black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking. Your loved one won’t always be like this. You might need to give yourself a breather from “fixing” before you can move on to new ideas. Or you might need to adopt a more tolerant point of view, a sense that if this is “the new normal,” perhaps there are ways to make it livable.

Anger and Guilt

The top two emotions experienced by caregivers are anger and guilt—two sides of the same coin. Anger is the more active of the reactions, and its target can be your loved one, the condition, yourself, God, or doctors. Everyone who is tired, anxious, and worn out will at some point feel anger.

And from the outside, it makes sense to resent your loved one. It is an unfortunate symptom of depression that it makes people feel helpless and hopeless, which means that from the outside, they may look like they aren’t trying. As a caregiver, knowing your wife isn’t doing any of the things prescribed to her—like exercise, medicine, or socializing—can appear to be a lack of effort, and can make you frustrated and powerless.

Try to see your guilt as a misdirected signal of how much you care. And then do more self-care to nurture yourself through these difficult waves of feeling. It’s common, though misplaced, to blame yourself for your loved one’s condition. You might tell yourself you didn’t do enough to head it off, or that you’re not sacrificing enough to cater to them. Each social event or night off becomes a land mine of remorse.

Most of all, you can feel guilty for all of the above reactions, especially anger, because you love the sufferer so much and want so much to help. Try to see your guilt as a misdirected signal of how much you care. And then do more self-care to nurture yourself through these difficult waves of feeling.

I hope it’s clear from reading this list that the sum of all of these feelings leads to exhaustion and burnout. But if that’s where you are, there are steps that may allow you to take back control in your life.

You Need Self-Care as Much as Your Partner

When they struggle, you struggle. Your pain is just as important. Taking good care of yourself helps them at the same time, in two ways. First, you’re increasing your strength, patience, and ability to look after them. And second, you’re modeling the very skills that your loved one needs to do more of. By setting a good example, you can motivate and inspire.

Set Boundaries

It’s okay to say no. Even if your loved one is unable to manage their life, that doesn’t make their life all your responsibility. Decide for yourself how you can best support them and allow the rest to remain undone. Maybe you have skills at finances or cooking and want to take over those tasks. Or maybe it’s clear where the most pressing needs are and you’re willing to take those on. But remember you cannot do everything—nor should you. It can be helpful to the depressed person for you to insist they shoulder some of the responsibility for their life. This can help focus and motivate them. So when it’s reasonable (not during a major breakdown), insist on some reciprocity.

Be Mindful and Practice Acceptance

Many people try to fight discomfort by either fretting over it (fight) or distracting from it (flight). Paradoxically, modern approaches teach instead that sitting with the negative feelings is the quickest way to master them. If anxiety is worry about the future and depression is sadness over the past, then usually the present moment is, if not perfect, at least more bearable. By taking some of the tenets of mindfulness—staying in the moment and noting your reactions without judging them—you can deal with difficult times with more patience and less pain.

Try Not to Buy into Distorted Thoughts

When we’re thinking negatively (stinkin’ thinkin’), our thoughts tend to fit into the same negative slots over and over. Experts call these cognitive distortions, and they include jumping to the worst possible conclusions, seeing the world in all-or-nothing extremes, and blaming. Being able to label those thoughts as inaccurate, or as symptoms of depression, helps us put less stock in these exaggerations and think in a more evenhanded way.

Get Help and Support for Yourself

When you’re starting to feel extra irritable, getting sick more often, and not seeing your friends for weeks, these are all signs you need more. More exercise, more rest, and most importantly, more people around you. If you don’t want to go the professional route, you might be surprised at how much your friends and family members are willing to help. And if you prefer to speak to someone impartial, there are therapists who can provide a safe space to vent your feelings. Finally, support groups for caregivers offer a space where everyone will understand and empathize with what you’re going through. Whatever you choose, know help is available—and it is not only acceptable, but often necessary, to reach out.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

5 Myths About Social Anxiety

“I was looking forward to the party and I liked everyone there, but afterward I felt so down. I couldn’t stop worrying about what I’d said that sounded stupid, or if I hurt someone’s feelings. But I can’t possibly have social anxiety. I love socializing! I have plenty of friends.”

I’ve heard a version of that story many times—people in therapy experiencing what they call shyness, self-criticism, or loneliness in social situations. When I suggest this might fit the category of social anxiety, they’re shocked. They picture a person who huddles in the corner at a party or tries to be invisible in work meetings, never speaking above a whisper. The reality is social anxiety could affect anyone around you, from the bubbly girl in your class who is secretly praying she won’t be called on by the teacher, to the take-charge guy in the office who goes home exhausted from the strain of interacting with others all day.

It’s true that one model of social anxiety is the extreme: a loner who fears any contact with other people. This person might be diagnosed with “social anxiety disorder,” a clinical term which involves a high degree of distress, significant interference with daily functioning, and often panic attacks. It’s more common to have a less severe version of the condition, which wouldn’t be labeled a disorder—it’s just a major, sometimes daily, challenge.

Social anxiety can show up in many ways, such as not wanting to be the center of attention or dreading walking into a room of strangers. The unifying factor for everyone who struggles with it is a persistent fear they are being judged critically. It’s a sense any interaction could be fraught with danger, where we run the risk of messing up and being seen in a negative light. In this way, it can turn occasions that ought to be pleasant—like parties, weddings, or holidays—into torturous ordeals.

Below are some common misconceptions about social anxiety, along with more detailed information about the ways this condition can present itself.

1. Everyone with social anxiety is an introvert.

Believe it or not, you can be confident or personable and have social anxiety. You can know you’re basically a likable person and still worry everything you say is wrong. This is because social anxiety isn’t about your overall view of yourself but rather the conviction you are being judged and are bound to fail.

It can be surprising to discover someone who is outgoing and successful also frets over how they come across. The condition is distressing whether it’s obvious (hiding in the back of the room at a wedding) or subtle (telling a story to a group, but grinding your nails into your palms under the table). Sometimes struggling in secret is harder because people don’t believe you have the condition or discount how much you’re suffering, or don’t know they need to offer you more support.

2. If you have social anxiety, you can’t be good at public speaking.

Many socially anxious people are quite good at giving lectures or heading up meetings. In fact, many actors, who make their living speaking in front of others, struggle with social anxiety. This is because giving a speech or reading a script is a learnable, practicable skill, and one that offers fewer opportunities to mess up than impromptu socializing does. Many worriers plan far in advance and rehearse multiple times, so that a presentation becomes more like a memorization activity, or a performance, than a nightmare scenario.

Public speaking has the additional benefit of allowing the speaker to feel in control of the room. Since the belief is everyone is always watching and judging, it can feel relieving to enter a situation where that element is assumed and can to some extent be prepared for.

3. If you have social anxiety, you feel it most of the time.

The condition can affect you only in certain settings, or only some of the time. Some of the people I work with in therapy feel confused when they attend two social events but struggle through only one of them. “Why can I deal sometimes but not all the time?” they wonder. Luckily, we can examine the difficult times to explore what makes them worse.

Usually, what seems baffling at first soon yields important truths. Each of us has elements that make us more anxious based on past experiences (such as the time we fell during a school dance), messages we’ve heard (a parent reminding us we’d put on weight), or societal norms (a fear nice girls are never loud and boisterous). When we can uncover our personal triggers, they become easier to soothe.

Like any other anxiety, this one can itself become the source of angst. Sometimes people aren’t really anxious about the social event—they’re more anxious they might feel anxiety, and the fear of what might happen overcomes them.

4. Social anxiety affects you only during social interactions.

Some people worry incessantly before a gathering, but once it starts, they’re in the moment and feel less concerned. Others don’t dread the office holiday party and enjoy it while it lasts, but the next morning face self-recrimination. Social anxiety doesn’t have a timeline, though it typically affects the same person in the same way during each occurrence. In other words, once a pre-worrier, always a pre-worrier. It’s not uncommon to be engrossed in a conversation and truly enjoying it, only later to recall the conversation as tormented or littered with your blunders.

Like any other anxiety, this one can itself become the source of angst. Sometimes people aren’t really anxious about the social event—they’re more anxious they might feel anxiety, and the fear of what might happen overcomes them. In these cases, it’s important to remember all the times the anxiety doesn’t exist and reinforce the idea it isn’t in control.

5. If you have social anxiety, you don’t feel it with people you’re close to.

It’s a little like the Phillip Lopate satiric poem, which begins: “We who are your closest friends feel the time has come to tell you that every Thursday we have been meeting as a group to devise ways to keep you in perpetual uncertainty frustration discontent and torture …” The condition convinces people that others could be misinterpreting them, teasing them, secretly thinking negatively, leaving them out, rejecting them, or talking behind their back. This is sometimes only with strangers, but it can seep into any relationship.

For some people, it’s the closest friendships and romances that cause them to feel the most vulnerable and exposed. Some partners get frustrated they aren’t being trusted to be kind and understanding. But social anxiety isn’t usually a result of real rejection; it’s a perceived threat of eventual rejection.

Because social anxiety is so individualized, and runs the spectrum from severely impairing to hidden but distressing, there is no one-size-fits-all treatment. The best course of action to soothe these difficult emotions is to get a deeper understanding of where and when they may have started, what triggers them, and possible tools to calm them.

Perhaps more than any other issue, social anxiety is helped by therapy, whether one-on-one or in a group setting. This is because so much of the condition is based in shame or the feeling one is basically lacking. Having the support of another person who can give objective feedback is invaluable. To learn to be vulnerable and real with one safe person, or a group who really gets it, is one of the best ways to attack social anxiety and replace it with what the anxious person so dearly needs: a realistic and secure sense of self.

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The Upside of Helicopter Parenting

There have been countless articles—including some of my own—about the hazards of so-called “helicopter parenting,” the current trend of over-watchful, over-involved child rearing (also known as cosseting). By now, many people are familiar with stories of adult children who can’t leave home because they lack life skills, anxious teens whose schedules rival those of corporate CEOs, and parents who expect their toddlers to learn Mandarin and excel in five sports.

But in these times, when many of us feel alienated from our government, our neighbors, and sometimes our families, it’s worthwhile to rethink the benefits of kids being more connected to their parents. After all, parents started parenting this way for a reason. We were reacting against the free-form, unbounded childhoods we experienced, in which many of us faced daily dangers and years of floundering without oversight or steady guidance. We were the kids who came home to empty houses and wandered the neighborhood all afternoon, getting ourselves into physically and emotionally treacherous experiences. Because our parents were afraid to broach the subjects of sex, drugs, and violence, we got the information from our friends, who got all sorts of details wrong. As a result, many grew up feeling unseen, unsupported, and confused.

While helicoptering has its flaws—most notably how it often fails to teach kids how to think on their own and make bold decisions in the face of uncertainty—it also has many advantages, some of which have gone unheralded. Here are some of the reasons parents may choose to be very involved in their kids’ lives, and some of the benefits to both children and society.

1. These kids feel supported.

Children, from the millennial generation to the current one, typically know that their parents have their backs. They grow up with a sense of security, knowing a framework is around them. This might give them more freedom to fail and to experiment, because someone is there to provide a net. Yes, young adults these days move in with their parents more often and rely on their families for financial support more than ever before. But this also allows them time to grow without as much pressure and danger as previous generations experienced.

Research has shown recently how the brain does not fully mature until our mid- to late-20s. Knowing this, why aren’t we more accepting of the idea that a 21-year-old college graduate might still need more time to feel fully launched? The average age to get married and have children has increased over the past few decades, and many people accept the idea that it might help to be more mature before leaping into these commitments. Likewise, young adults are taking longer to enter the workforce or buy a home; although economic factors contribute to that reality, couldn’t it be argued that it’s not necessarily the worst thing to delay these moves until they’re adequately prepared?

2. These kids feel seen and known.

Alice Miller writes in The Drama of the Gifted Child how parents who are preoccupied with meeting their own needs first can create children who feel unseen. Today’s parenting, however, tends to be highly focused on the child instead of the parents’ needs. While a degree of balance would be ideal, the value of this imbalance is that children these days know they are fully understood by their families. These kids get therapy, school testing, vocational evaluations, extracurricular trainings, and more. And while they may be overscheduled and over-observed, they are also privy to a large amount of information about their temperaments, skills, and interests.

The great thing about that is this generation of kids may not have as much of a struggle, or take as long, as previous generations did to know themselves. They may be able to make better partnerships and be better parents because they are not, as Miller writes, struggling to heal old wounds and blindly fighting the shadows of the past.

3. These kids have a sense of community and connectedness.

In the essay that spurred my thinking on this topic, Jennifer Trainor writes, “What if we are moving away from individualism and autonomy (with its requirements that we push away from our parents, rebel against the establishment and its institutions, like school) and entering a much more connected, inter-dependence?”

Trainor is asking this: Are we looking for the kind of communalism that marked American life in the beginning of the last century, when families lived with or nearby each other, neighbors helped one another, and people intrinsically trusted the government to be benevolent and generous? And does that desire to be close to others both encourage today’s parents to dote on their children and allow the children to stay close and reliant on their parents? A century ago, there was nothing wrong with, say, expecting your parents to help raise your children or provide you with a job. This gave people a sense of kinship and lineage. It sounds much more pleasant than the current overarching sense of alienation and existential loneliness.

4. These kids benefit from doing stuff they’re not good at.

Yes, our kids tend to have too many activities, leaving them without enough unstructured play time. But it also pushes them to persevere at pursuits they might not have thought of on their own, even though they may not excel at them. Thirty years ago, kids tended to gravitate toward one pastime—usually something they had an affinity for—and stuck with it. We rarely tried our hands at many different sports or arts, and as as result we were less well-rounded.

There are real benefits to doing something you’re bad at. It increases resilience, teaches how to hold onto self-esteem, and reduces perfectionism. To be the slowest runner on the soccer field week after week demands a huge amount of persistence, which years later can give kids a major leg up in the business world.

5. These kids have tried a little of everything and thus are better equipped to make good career choices.

Speaking of the business world, trying their hand at so many recreational activities may also help this generation of children to pick job fields. Compared to teens of the past, they may have a higher awareness of themselves at a young age. The parents who have driven them to music lessons, football games, and chess club meetings have instilled in these kids the knowledge that they are good at organization, perhaps, or lousy at spatial relations. These pieces of information give them a sense of what they have to offer to employers and which fields might be best avoided.

6. These kids will take care of us (and pass on the same family values).

Finally, there’s an upside to parents as well as to kids. In addition to having children who like us and want to stay in touch, we may also be creating a community with an overall sense of family connectedness. As they grow, children who were parented closely often want to remain close. Perhaps this will diminish the fears we have about an aging society, where seniors become lonely and neglected. Perhaps, just perhaps, helicoptered children may someday hover over their parents and return the favor.

There’s a lot of fear in society about the ways technology creates distance and isolation. We look at the younger generations with their heads buried in their phones and wonder if they will know how to make conversation or form connections. But we forget that, even on those phones, they are in constant communication—not only with their friends, but with us. Through this lens, helicopter parenting might be considered an antidote to the loneliness of the digital age, a way to create snug, loving bonds with our children.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

How to Lean Into Your Relationship Without Leaving Yourself Behind

You’ve probably seen the idealized Instagram image of a new relationship—both partners are glued together, unaware of their surroundings, neglectful of their friends, talking only about each other’s amazing qualities. That’s the stereotype of too much attachment to each other, and too little independence.

On the other hand, the cliché of a long-term relationship is one that’s totally detached, sitting together in a restaurant without speaking, sneaking out at night to laugh with friends and then coming home to glower at one another. That’s the stereotype of too much independence, too much distance.

They both sound awful in their own way, right?

So you might be surprised to know that healthy relationships contain a little of both. At times, we need to turn to each other and get a little sappy, a little needy. Then at other times, we need to be able to back off, get our needs taken care of somewhere else. The magical balance of those two states creates a partnership that feels connected and intimate, but also well-adjusted and practical.

We all know that there isn’t one person who can be everything to us—despite how we felt in those early days of romance. Because of this, we need to be able to make ourselves feel secure and happy, without expecting a partner to provide us with those inner strengths. When I started working with couples, I pressed them more toward independence. When they said, “I turned to you and you weren’t there,” I countered with wondering how they could turn to themselves more.

With more experience, however, I realized that wasn’t enough. Most couples continue to come into therapy asking “Why do I feel like my partner doesn’t have my back?” Primary relationships are supposed to be our safe harbor, the place we turn to for peace and support and a foundation for the pressures of life. And we have a right to ask for our home to be our emotional haven. It makes perfect sense to be needy. So now I work more with couples on moving back and forth between turning toward each other and turning away. And we also work on being okay with times when we’re scared, and fail to get the equilibrium right.

Maybe our partner cheated, lied, doesn’t listen, or seems to prioritize other activities over our time together. When a rupture happens and we don’t feel safe and secure, we tend to get either clingy or distant. Clinginess looks like nagging, repeatedly asking for more time together, feeling hurt often and easily, getting jealous. Distance is marked by shutting down, sometimes refusing to talk, going out more and more often, having an affair, feeling hopeless and helpless. But underneath any of those actions is a feeling of isolation and despair. Ultimately, when the one place we turn to for peace and love feels precarious, it’s traumatic.

Marriage counseling these days tends to believe that the antidote to feeling hurt by your partner is to connect with them—hard. Couples are urged to soothe each other’s anger, stare into one another’s eyes, build more activities to feel intimate. And all of those things are important—as long as they’re countered with a robust, full life outside of the marriage. This allows each partner to know their worth. To know what they want from the other. To know they’re not staying out of fear or because they don’t think they can survive outside the marriage.

Some clients are fearful that if they practice one side of the scale they will lose their grip on the other. “If I start to make my own breakfasts and don’t look to her to take care of me, I’ll stop needing anything from her.” Or “If I ask him to compliment me, I’ll get too reliant on his image of me.”

But the truth is that it’s possible, maybe even simple, to figure out the balance. We need a little of this, a little of that, and plenty of movement back and forth between the two. It’s a constant dance. There’s always room for us to close down, or to move away from our mates in order to take better care of ourselves. As long as we remember that it’s right to come back, and it’s okay to need them.

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

How to Survive an Affair

No one knows for sure how many married people have affairs. Statistics vary widely, from 10% to over 50%, and based on self-reporting, which is notoriously unreliable. Clearly, though, cheating happens all the time. Based on anecdotal evidence, and the sheer volume of couples in my office who are struggling with adultery, I’d guess that the percentages are near the highest point—or about half of people in relationships.

If cheating (which can range from getting your emotional needs met by someone else, to having a passionate physical affair, to flirting intensely with someone online) happens this often, then we can assume that relationships become strained and broken even more often. And when damaged relationships are a given, knowing how they got there becomes less important than deciding how they can heal.

My focus as a therapist, therefore, has changed from: “What caused this to happen?” to “Where can the couple go from here?” This puts the emphasis more on the couple’s future than its past, and in and of itself, this is a more hopeful place to be. We do look into the past—examining each partner’s childhood and what emotional triggers they brought into the relationship—but then we move on to accepting that every relationship has these same kinds of rifts, and assuming there is something to build on.

Affairs are crushing to both partners

When you are betrayed, you might feel that everything you thought to be true and dependable has been destroyed, causing you to question not just this relationship but all relationships. Emotions ping-pong from rage to despair to serenity and back. It can be hard to imagine ever trusting your partner again. When you are the adulterer, you urgently want your partner to know why you needed to look outside the relationship to feel wanted and seen. Your feelings can start with relief at no longer having to keep a secret, and then move to hopelessness, a fear that your partner will punish you forever. Both of you will struggle to trust each other.

Faith isn’t rebuilt overnight. It’s a long road, sometimes temporarily blocked, sometimes requiring a detour in a direction you might not have imagined. To begin to move on after infidelity, start with three key steps.

1. Stop blaming

Let’s tackle the hardest piece first. In any conflict, it’s natural to feel defensive and point fingers. And in some cases, affairs are the result of just one (often narcissistic) partner. More often, however, they are a symptom of a partnership that has fallen apart on both sides.

Instead of looking outward and placing full responsibility on your partner, look inside. By accepting your part in the relationship’s history, you get a chance to delve into your own struggles. Maybe you’ll see a pattern of behavior that’s lasted over several relationships; maybe you’ll notice that some of your reactions are similar how one of your parents acted. Really examining your own contribution to the problems gives you a chance to repair not only with your significant other, but internally, for your own health. This will work for the good of your current relationship, or for any future one.

Catastrophe brings a unique opportunity. When things are at their worst, there’s nothing left to lose, which means it’s a chance to be fully honest. Everything you’ve wanted to say but held inside now can be shouted and analyzed and combed through. It can be a painful process, but it also means that real change and healing can happen—sometimes for the first time.

2. Build trust

After examining both the relationship and your own piece in it, you can move on to restoring the closeness that you felt when you fell in love. Although this is a long process and perhaps best embarked upon with the professional help of a marriage counselor, it can be summed up here as encompassing two parts, which I call now Commitments and Later Commitments.

Now commitments are the ones that happen immediately after the affair, often dictated by the hurt partner, including (but not limited to) increased transparency in how time and money are spent, increased time together, consistent communication, acts of loving kindness, more or less sexual activity, access to phones and email, etc. This is an opportunity for the person who feels betrayed to lay out what he or she needs to feel safe again. These behaviors are open to negotiation, but they lay bare what the hurt partner worries most about: feeling in the dark and at risk.

The straying partner will also have a list of New Commitments, which address the situation that has led up to the affair. This person will want assurance that whatever coldness or emptiness that he or she felt before the affair will be attended to. And they will also need to feel hope, from themselves and their partner, that forgiveness is a possibility.

Later Commitments are those in which you reassure one another that you will resist falling into familiar patterns, and learn new tools to cope with the old feelings of resentment, boredom, or vulnerability. When a light is shined on couples’ destructive patterns and they see them starkly, it’s scary. Fear can arise that these dynamics, which took time to form and have gone on unresolved for years, will be impossible to heal or avoid. Each member needs need to know that, even years down the road, the other will be vigilant against falling back into old defenses.

In marriage counseling, couples affirm to each other over and over again that they will stay present with each other, and that their intentions are loving. This re-avowal is powerful, and re-creates trust.

3. Lower expectations

The idea of a perfect spouse, whether it’s Prince Charming or a Manic Pixie Dream Girl (the term coined by Nathan Rabin after seeing Kirsten Dunst in the movie Elizabethtown), does us more harm than good. We are not capable of being everything to each other, and we’re not supposed to understand each other all—or even most—of the time. Partners are companions, not mystical angels. We are there to support and walk alongside, think kindly of and try hard with one another.

If, instead of searching for a soul mate, we longed for a stable, open friend who shares a few interests and finds us attractive, we’d have a straight line to contentment. Alain de Botton, in his New York Times essay Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, states that a healthy dose of melancholy and dispiritedness is necessary in marriage. He sums up partnerships this way: “The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently… Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.”

None of these steps is easy; none is a guarantee of success for the relationship. But there is hope, and there are possibilities for having a healthy and satisfying relationship after an affair. By looking at your own piece of the problem, building connections and turning toward your partner, and finally by having a realistic view of the future, even a wrenching betrayal can be healed.

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5 Ways to Stop Feeling Envy

Envy is that thing that can happen when your coworker gets the promotion you were angling for, or a friend finds the “perfect” new relationship while you’re feeling lonely. It’s essentially a comparison in which you find your life or circumstances lacking. Envy, in Western culture, can get confusing in that it’s easy to mix up with the American dream of striving for more. After all, wanting to improve is a great motivator, right? But what about when it spills over into resentment and never feeling satisfied?

We are the epitome of the “grass is always greener” society. We’re conditioned by the media and advertisers to always want a bigger toy, a more tricked-out mansion. Here are some warning signs: you go out with friends and find yourself paying more attention to their clothes and shoes than to their conversations; you see other couples out to dinner and automatically assume their conversations are funnier and more fulfilling than yours; or you can’t be happy with an A-minus because someone else in class got an A.

If you recognize those situations, you may be stuck in the envy trap.

Think of solving envy like refocusing a camera lens from far away to a close-up. Instead of gazing on the vista from miles away (which looks so pretty partly because you can’t make out any details), you zoom in on the scene within a 10-foot radius. You’re changing from a dreamy, idealized vision to a clear, intimate one, where there might be more flaws but everything is also within reach. When we stay in our lives instead of looking at other people’s, we’re in reality, which is a great place to take stock and either enjoy or make changes.

Here are five basic suggestions for how to begin changing this focus and reducing your envy:

1. Know You’re Not Seeing the Whole Picture

It’s easy to look at other people’s lives and assume they’re doing much better than we are—and this tendency is only amplified by social media. We see vacation photos on Instagram or filtered head shots on Tinder and think, “This person has it all.” A 2014 study examining the tendency of people to get depressed after looking at Facebook calls the phenomenon “social comparisons,” meaning the more we look at idealized versions of other people, the more we see our own lives as second-rate.

Instead of deleting all our social media accounts, however, another way to approach social comparisons is to be aware we’re doing it, to be conscious that what we see online is distorted (the study calls our friends’ Facebook pages their “highlight reels”) and to limit our time scrolling. Look at others with realism and remind yourself that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, and that most peoples’ lives are roughly equivalent. Everyone suffers, and everyone goes through good times only to experience struggles later.

Anytime we want to change our thoughts, the rule of thumb is to identify the problematic thought, figure out a replacement thought we believe in, and start practicing the exchange. So if you often look at others and think, “They’re happier/smarter/better than me,” decide on another thought that feels better. Perhaps it’s, “Everyone has problems, even if I can’t see them.” Or, “It’s pointless to compare when I have no idea how they really live.” Then start the long process of repeating the new phrase. If you’ve spent years putting energy into feeling envious, it may take an equal amount of energy to change the thoughts.

2. Practice Kindness

When we look at life as a competition, we’re stuck seeing other people as rivals. This is a lonely place to be—it ruins our chances of feeling connected. When we use compassion, however, we can try to be happy for their successes, aware of their faults, and sympathetic for the other stuff in their lives that might not be going perfectly. Suddenly, our coworkers are not manipulative so-and-sos after our jobs, but rather trying to do the best they can and protect their families, just like us.

Kindness also works when we point it toward ourselves. Sure, we’re bummed that we’re having money troubles, but we don’t have to compound the pain by blaming ourselves and comparing ourselves unfavorably to the neighbors. If you find yourself walking into a party and thinking everyone else has better clothes, or feeling embarrassed by your old car when you park it next to a new Lexus, give yourself a break. By setting sensible expectations and celebrating small victories, you can be gentler on yourself.

3. Accept That Life Isn’t Fair

Let’s ask the hard questions: Who said everyone was supposed to get everything equally? Who promised us we’d have the exact same luck and privilege as everyone else? And why should we be the lucky ones? Whether there’s a plan for our struggle or it’s just the randomness of life, it’s unproductive to look at anyone else’s lot. All we have is our own journey, the cards we were dealt, and what we do with them now.

These are essentially existential questions, and many people find solace in religious or spiritual answers. However you make sense of the world and create meaning of it, it’s important to find a way to accept that we’re not fully in control of what happens to us and others, and to feel okay with that reality.

4. Be in the Moment

Looking back is often steeped in regret; looking forward often means wishful thinking. Both are fantasies and unrealistic expectations of perfection. When we’re living in the present, however, we can not only accept what’s true and right in front of us (our beautiful kids, for example, or today’s lovely weather), but also shield ourselves from wanting more.

Looking back is often steeped in regret; looking forward often means wishful thinking. Zen Buddhism teaches that this moment has everything it needs to be perfect. This can be a little hard to accept if this moment is full of health problems or money fears, but if we believe even a fraction of the idea is true, there’s plenty to be grateful for. One quick exercise to increase the sense of being present: sit, take a deep breath, and look around. Name five colors you see, four items you can touch, three sounds you can hear, two scents you can smell, and one taste in your mouth. By zoning in on our senses, we instantly anchor ourselves in the moment, and for at least a few seconds we can forget there’s anything else to worry about. Practicing this sort of mindfulness daily can help you soothe your anxieties and stop competitive thinking.

5. Live from Your Values

When we get swept up in feelings that are uncomfortable, it’s helpful to ask ourselves, “Is what I’m doing (comparing, shaming, criticizing, etc.) something I value?” If you value, as many people do, kindness and fairness, then remembering those higher standards can knock you out of the resentful feelings of jealousy and anger.

If this seems like a lofty idea, start small. List three values you live by (there are hundreds to consider, but honesty, generosity, positivity, compassion, or wisdom are where many people begin). To envy someone is to judge them and yourself; the likelihood is the values you’ve listed don’t leave much room for judgments. So by thinking more about the morals you want to live by, you’ll be able to put envy in perspective, and rise above it.

Unlike determination, which allows us to try our best and hope to improve, envy is painful. It tells us we’re never good enough. Worse, it puts the emphasis and attention on everyone else, instead of where it belongs: on our lives, our accomplishments, and our friends and family. By turning the lens back to what matters to us, in this moment, in a realistic and balanced way, we can take the first steps toward self-acceptance and contentment.

Reference:

Walton, A. G. (2015, April 8). New Study Links Facebook To Depression: But Now We Actually Understand Why. Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why/

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Vicki Botnick Vicki Botnick

Increasing Resiliency, or The Art of Trampolining

The concept of resiliency, or the ability to return to health after a stressor or hardship, has been popping up a lot lately in articles and studies about how to be happier. But although it sounds like a buzzword, resilience is more than just a trendy idea—it’s a key factor in how we cope with the world. Over and over in trauma studies, it’s been shown that people can not only recover from brutal circumstances, but thrive from them. It turns out that what matters is not how hard or how often we fall, but whether we’re willing to get back up.

The fall we’re recovering from can range from serious trauma such as war to everyday struggles like relationship breakups. And sometimes crises are like a trampoline: the farther down you fall, the higher you can bounce back up. In David B. Feldman and Lee Daniel Kravetz’s book Supersurvivors, the authors list people who have lived through ordeals, then gone on to extraordinary accomplishments, such as man who ran a triathlon within a year of being struck by a drunk driver and losing his leg.

Although it’s tempting to think only exceptional people have a talent for bouncing back, it’s actually within all of us. As humans, we have a natural tendency toward healing. Just as when we cut our finger, our body immediately sends platelets to clot the blood and white blood cells to fight infection, when we go through a traumatic experience, the brain immediately begins to look for ways to make sense of it and feel better. We don’t have to be “super” survivors to be good at growing from struggle. We can just tune in to our own innate predisposition for well-being, and cultivate it.

So how do we become more resilient? There are a few key conditions that help this strength grow. The first is faith. To be able to withstand something bad happening and not feel devastated and frozen by it, we have to believe in something positive. Sometimes this faith is religious, but it doesn’t have to be. My brilliant mentor talks about feeling a confidence in “a friendly future,” or a general optimistic belief that things will work out.

Feldman and Kravetz don’t adhere to the idea of optimism, which they state is not always helpful after a crisis in which it’s obvious that things won’t simply work out well. Instead, they assert the concept of “grounded hope,” which combines positivity with realism. We don’t just wake up from overwhelming loss and sprinkle sunshine on it, Pollyanna-style. Instead we can gradually learn to accept that bad things happen, come to terms with the unfairness of life, and THEN move forward, often with new skills such as better coping techniques, more frustration tolerance, and increased compassion for other people in tough circumstances.

It turns out that the majority of trauma survivors recover and recuperate. I’ve heard from clients who were abused for years; conscripted into cults; or lost not just their spouses but also their children in wars. Despite the horrors they have endured, struggles I look at and wonder if I could live through, most of them pick themselves back up. They start new families, find things to laugh about. And many of them say the same thing: “What other choice do I have?” They somehow found the strength and faith to continue forward movement, instead of giving in permanently to grief.

Another condition of resiliency is to combine thinking about it with not thinking about it. To progress from something takes both leaning in and feeling the difficult feelings from it, as well as leaning away and distracting from it. I call it “touch and release.” When anxiety or sadness or overwhelm come up, we spend a little time “touching” them, or acknowledging and experiencing them, despite how painful this can be. Then we let them go, momentarily, by focusing on things that are more pleasant or calming. What we choose to distract ourselves with can be sensory, such as a warm bath or massage, or it can be active, such as a walk in the park or a workout. It can be large (a trip to Australia) or small (Jamoca Almond Fudge). The important thing is to find what soothes you, and practice it regularly.

A final important factor is relationships. Over and over, in research and in life experience, it has been proven that human connectedness is what promotes healing. Isolating ourselves, a common urge when we’re feeling lousy, and not talking things out, is a quick path toward fear and pain.

Connection works best if it goes both ways—we take support from friends and family, then we give back to our community. Find activities that increase your feeling of being meaningful in the world, and help you stay attached to the larger world. Volunteer activities, reaching out to others who are struggling in support groups, and nonprofit work make us feel useful. In addition, they perform the sweet alchemy of turning sadness into empathy—I understand your pain, because I’ve felt mine so acutely.

So go ahead, fall off the bike. You don’t have to learn a great lesson from it, and you don’t have to use your experience to become the greatest bike rider who ever lived. Sometimes it’s enough to just get back on the bike, and pedal onward.

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Self-Esteem Lesson #1: Staying Out of Your Leaves

If I asked whether you spend most of your day feeling cool and confident, you’d probably laugh at me, right? We’re all constantly working on knowing who we are and feeling OK about ourselves. And too much of the time we’re looking for this feedback from the outside—other people, accomplishments, a number on the scale—instead of looking inside ourselves.

There’s a metaphor I love to describe this phenomenon. I liken people to beautiful, old oak trees. Our trunk is where our strength and sense of self is. It’s literally grounded, connected to the earth through a network of roots, and it’s solid, hefty, and multilayered. Up higher are the branches, and at their ends lay the leaves, constantly blown around by wind or rain. If we think of other people’s opinions (or traffic, or problems at work, or financial worries, etc.) as the weather, and our sense of self as the leaves, we can see how quickly and often we get battered.

When we “live” up in our leaves, we feel that we’re easily swayed or, worse, hammered by outside influences. If we can work on “living” in our trunks, we feel solid, unable to be knocked down.

So how do we get out of our leaves? First, we recognize what we’re doing. For instance, if you’re feeling a lot of anxiety and depression, this could be a clue that you’re worried about how other people see you. Anxiety commonly carries a message of “I have to be perfect or other people will feel let down.” Depression often sounds like “I’m not good enough.” Both of those statements, and the hundreds of other, similar ways we beat up on ourselves, lose track of how we feel about ourselves, and instead are all about the way we think we come across to others.

When you recognize that you’re being hard on yourself because you’re worried how others will perceive you, label that: I’m doing it again—I’m in my leaves. Then turn your attention to your trunk.

Your idea of your trunk will take some time to develop, but it can be a fun project. First, come up with an image. You can look online for a lovely photograph of a tree, remember one you grew up with, or create your own fantasy picture. Next, think about the qualities that make you unique, and that you feel good about. Your values, strengths, and dreams are a good place to start. By making lists and spending some time considering these characteristics, you may come up with a stronger sense of who you really are and what you like about yourself.

When we “live” up in our leaves, we feel that we’re easily swayed or, worse, hammered by outside influences. If we can work on “living” in our trunks, we feel solid, unable to be knocked down.

Values are how we decide what’s important to spend our time on, and if our lives fill us with a sense of purpose. If we’re not clear on where our values lie, that can make us feel lonely, alienated, or confused, and open us up more to being manipulated. Thinking about your values can get you in touch with your spiritual beliefs, lessons from relatives or mentors you admired, or books or movies you’ve felt inspired by. You can use a worksheet, such as this one, to calculate how you prioritize aspects of life.

Listing strengths can be really challenging for people battling low self-esteem. If you’re one of them, this exercise may take some time. You can use an online tool like the ones at the Institute on Character, or you can just sit and try to list 15 things you like about yourself. Fifteen is an important number. Many people can list five pretty easily, and then can strain to come up with 10. Fifteen takes thought, creativity, and commitment, and the mere act of investing the time often makes people feel better. If you truly can’t finish the list, ask relatives, friends, or coworkers to help.

Finally, look into your dreams. What did you want to be when you were a kid? Was there anything you felt passionate about as a young adult? For many of us, we tend to be our most idealistic in our teens and twenties. We find causes or have goals that are lofty and principled. By looking at those, or remembering them, we can get in touch with what fires us up and makes us feel committed—and passion and commitment are two of the most important qualities shared by happy people, according to the field of positive psychology.

By turning our attention from our leaves (the outside judgments of other people, the annoyances of daily life) to our trunk (the inside assets and standards we appreciate about ourselves), we can worry less about what other people think of us and concentrate more clearly on who we know ourselves to be. Which is the very definition of self-esteem.

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This Is Why You’re Having Trouble Making Lasting Change

Believe it or not, taking the first steps in making change is not the hard part. Even though making up your mind to lose weight, stand up to your parents, or find a new job is a big hurdle and a good first step, it’s only one of many steps on the road to transformation. Once started, real lifestyle changes are darned tough to maintain; a University of Scranton study found that 92% of people who make New Year’s resolutions fail to keep them.

So much of our energy goes into preparing to start a new goal. And yet, often, the adrenaline and promise of those first days makes jumping into them easier than continuing them. Three weeks later, it’s a different story: trying something bold and new has lost its excitement factor, and with the hard work kicking in, it’s common to sink back into the couch, the Cheetos, and the familiar patterns.

Knowing what you’re up against may make it easier to find long-lasting solutions. Here are some universal pitfalls to creating and sustaining change.

1. I’m not seeing results right away.

When we start a resolution—This week I’m going to cut out all sugar—we’re often enthusiastic and energetic about it. It’s exciting, it’s new, and we’re proud of ourselves. But often there’s a time lag between, say, starting an exercise program and seeing results on the scale, or quitting smoking and having relief from constant urges. Then we might start to think, Why go through all this pain and not get right to the benefits? Why bother? Hanging in through the middle phase of the new behavior turns out to take a lot of stamina and faith.

That’s where support can be a key factor in creating change. There’s a reason weight-loss centers offer in-person one-on-one meetings, support groups, or online chat forums; that kind of personal touch has been shown to give a huge boost to members’ ability to stick with the program. Finding a friend to partner with in your resolution (taking walks together, for instance), using a life coach or therapist to work through resistance, or using a support group online or in person is a great way to boost your commitment and to have a little more fun in the process.

2. The people around me don’t agree with the changes.

Perhaps you’re hoping to quit your job and start a new career, but your partner thinks it’s too risky. Or you want to reconcile with your mother, which makes your sister furious. It’s hard enough to put the work into making the change, but to have the people closest to you oppose it can cause you to want to give up right away.

When our friends and family are less than supportive of changes we are working hard on and feel strongly about, it’s a real letdown. We expected them to be cheerleaders, and instead they’re sabotaging us. Knowing this is a possibility can help ease our disappointment. Don’t assume everyone around you will be supportive, and use other tools to keep your resolve—journaling, meditating, and using calming self-talk (This is important to me and good for those around me) are just a few ways people motivate and care for themselves during stressful times. Also, having other people around who fully back us (there’s that support group again!) gives us strength and hope.

3. The people around me are making it harder for me to keep my resolve.

There’s a term in psychology called homeostasis, which theorizes that people want to keep whatever system they have going, even when that system isn’t fully working for them. In other words, change is scary even if it’s good for us. So we can’t expect our family members or friends to jump for joy when we begin to take better care of ourselves. A new, healthier lifestyle might cause some friends to feel jealous or left behind.

Sometimes even people who want the best for us can get in our way. One common example is when one person in a group decides to quit drinking, and the other group members continue to urge that friend to have “just one,” or stop inviting the person along to watch the game. It’s an unconscious desire for homeostasis that’s driving them, and it’s best dealt with either directly, by gently pointing it out, or indirectly, by drafting one of the friends as an ally and coach in the new lifestyle. When they feel included and relied on, many people will rise to the occasion and put their own insecurities aside.

4. I’m changing, but it isn’t the magic pill for happiness I had expected.

Many of us can spend years fantasizing about how perfect everything will be as soon as we (fill in the blank). If you think you’ll be a new person when you’re a size 8, but then begin making progress toward your goal and feel little difference in your daily happiness, you may be hard-pressed to continue.

Setting realistic expectations for change is essential. To quote Buckaroo Banzai, “Everywhere you go, there you are”; in other words, you can’t escape your basic nature, and changing the externals isn’t going to create instant happiness where there was none before.

Setting realistic expectations for change is essential. To quote Buckaroo Banzai, “Everywhere you go, there you are”; in other words, you can’t escape your basic nature, and changing the externals isn’t going to create instant happiness where there was none before.

Change can be revelatory, but it can also be merely fun—or barely noticed. This is why you have to do it not for extraordinary rewards but for the process itself. Do it because you want to prove to yourself that you can, or because the journey will be full of lessons and opportunities to grow.

In the end, it isn’t a black-and-white equation—i.e., either you change totally or you don’t change at all. If you start a resolution by thinking about taking it one day at a time instead of focusing on the end point, you’ll be able to enjoy every step of it—even the relapses, or what I like to call “reevaluating.” After all, most experiences don’t end up exactly where we thought they would.

If we can let the journey unfold in any way it chooses, with each new bend in the road bringing its own challenges and rewards, then wherever we end up, that’s where we’re meant to be. All 92% of us.

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The Benefit in Looking Back

Sometimes, when life feels toughest and we're wondering why we make the same decisions and get stuck in the same, often painful, patterns, the best idea is to look backwards, to childhood. I don’t want to knock looking toward the future, or being in the moment, but there are crucial times when the answer to our struggles is in the past.

Seven is an important year in child development. It's a general time when we are realizing that we are truly separate from other human beings, particularly our parents. We learn empathy, or an awareness of how someone else might feel, and have a slightly more mature understanding of our place in the world. Because of these changes, seven is a good touchstone year for psychology. In therapy, we can count on looking at that age as a time when we made some decisions about how we would cope with life's difficulties. However our family structure and life environment was at the time, we unconsciously created a way to manage the stresses going on around us (even if they seem now like minor stresses, like mom's perfectionism, an older sibling's bullying or a layoff at the town factory).

Some kids react to tension by shutting themselves in their rooms. Others become very obedient and shine at school in order to have more control of their lives, and to get the approval of others. Others act out, rebel or become class clown. Some become the caretakers of their siblings or even parents.

All of these coping strategies are healthy. They help kids decide their identity, earn protection, find community, or feel pride. Even acts of rebellion can be important ways for the child to assert his or her needs.

The problems come when that child wakes up at the age of 40 and realizes she's still using the exact same defense mechanism. Often the kid who learned to tiptoe around dad's drinking, finds herself decades later trying to deny her partner's bad habits. The boy, ignored at home, who could only feel okay about himself by beating up classmates is still trying to intimidate his co-workers and finding himself ostracized. Or perhaps you buried your nose in books to survive your parents' fighting, only to find it difficult to make and maintain friendships as an adult.

Therapy offers a way to look to your past in order to figure out who you are now, and why. With this knowledge it becomes easier to make new choices for ourselves. It's tempting to say "This is just the way I am," and making changes in our behavior is always challenging. But the truth is, when we understand that a lot of our actions and many of our problems come from our earliest decisions, we gain great insight and power. What was right for us as kids is no longer appropriate as grown-ups. And it's never too late to start again.

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The 3 Layers of Healing Depression & Grief

Lately I’ve been working with a lot people facing grief, whether it’s the loss of youth, financial security, a house or a loved one. And it’s occurred to me that when we talk together about how to feel better, the ideas fall neatly into three categories. I’ve taken to calling these tiers Past (feeling the real sadness and anger about what we’ve lost or what we think we’ve done wrong); Present (living in the moment and realizing what’s good and strong about it); and Future (connecting to hope and faith as a way of planning for better days).

This model appeals to me for several reasons. For one, it’s an easy template to call up when you’re feeling distressed. You can run through the tiers and assess which one is giving you the most discomfort at the time. For another, because it isn’t linear (meaning that you can be any of the layers at any given moment, and move back and forth between them), it relies on balance, a concept I’m particularly fond of. It allows for both negativity and positivity—sometimes in the same moment—as part of a full healing process, so we don’t have to deny any of our feelings. And it lets us use whatever strengths and tools that feel best to us, without forcing a one-size-fits-all solution.

Let’s look more closely at each tier:

PAST

The hardest part of depression is the self-blame that often goes along with it. As if it weren’t tough enough to feel low, we often beat ourselves up for not being stronger about our lowness. Just what we needed, right? The truth is, sadness is a normal and necessary feeling, and doesn’t need to be pushed aside or “fixed” immediately.

A better approach is to devote some time to feeling our feelings. Maybe an hour a day of crying, or fifteen minutes of writing in a journal, or a whole day of talking to a friend about how furious or despondent or guilty we feel. Feelings aren’t facts—just because you feel like you’re going to collapse doesn’t mean you will—and they don’t have to consume us. And if these emotions aren’t allowed to come out, they will find a way to erupt somewhere else.

PRESENT

Being in the present can be incredibly soothing. It allows us to stop worrying about the past, which we can’t change, or the future, which we can’t control. Instead, right now always has something positive in it. This tier is the one in which we get to practice optimistic thinking and to realize what’s going well and how we are growing.

It can be helpful to think not only of what we’re grateful for in our lives, but what we’re gaining from the trauma itself. How does suffering (yes, the actual pain) benefit you? Does it increase your empathy? Show you your resiliency? Bring you closer to the friends and family members who are there to support you? Force you to reach out more?

And what do you have left, after the loss? Create a gratitude list that includes anything you still have that you value or enjoy. Then create a list of the activities that make you feel better when you’re down. Reading, walking, talking to friends, cooking, working out—it’s important to identify what you can do to relieve your stress and sadness, and to practice these daily.

FUTURE

The only constant about the present is that it doesn’t last. This can be a great relief when our present is a painful one. Whatever has happened to bring us to this place, won’t necessarily continue. It’s key that we consider how to improve our lot, rather than getting bogged down in the idea that things will be bad forever.

This action has two parts: thought, and hope. We use our intellect to think about what brought us here and how we can do things differently. This includes creating plans and setting goals for turning our lives around. But to do that we also need hope in the future. Where does your faith lie? Whether it’s in God, or other people, or yourself, to have true balance you need to have some sense that things can and will be okay again.

I hope that this (simple but not easy) template can help you realize where you’re out of balance, and where to focus to bring more peace to a difficult time.

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Want to Help Your Kids? Start By Not Helping Them

Whether it’s sleep training, shoe tying, or school projects, there are thousands of moments when parents have to sit on their hands and let their children struggle. We know it’s important for them to learn things on their own, but watching them cry and writhe through a challenge is one of hardest tasks of parenthood.

Ironically, it’s our wonderful and natural parental instinct that makes it so tough to stop ourselves from helping. The drive that pushes us to comfort a crying baby; visit the emergency room instead of giggling when a toddler eats a ball bearing (that was my Christmas break 2008); or insist that a cranky preteen finish just one bite of cauliflower is the same drive that makes us want to jump in and fight every fight for them.

It feels loving to help, but often we’re doing more harm than good by not allowing our kids to develop their own ways of working things out. This could be finding their hand to suck on when they’re trying to fall asleep; devising a story about helpful stuffed animals when they’re scared at night; or figuring out a hard math problem on their own. Kids come up with the most amazing coping techniques—that is, when they’re allowed and encouraged to engage a challenge by themselves.

What’s important here is to differentiate between struggling and suffering. Suffering is agonizing. It’s pain without an end goal of benefiting from the pain. Struggle, instead, is distress with a purpose. It’s a learning process, and as such it’s crucial to development. Challenges benefit kids in all these ways: by teaching them self-soothing tools, by increasing frustration tolerance, by building problem solving skills, by boosting self-confidence, and by improving independent thinking.

Knowing this, it becomes clear that half our work as parents is to soothe our own anxieties so we can more effectively help our kids—by watching from the sidelines. It’s crucial to remember that by stepping out of the way of our children’s development, we’re not abandoning them. The mom who sleep trains is not giving her child the message she no longer loves him; the dad who lets his daughter get a “C” on a test is not neglecting her education. Instead, being a supporting, encouraging presence who trusts a kid enough to make his or her own mistakes, and then learn from them, instills more confidence in the child.

In my practice, I’ve noticed that anxieties about parenting tend to fall into the same three categories. When I ask, “What are you afraid of when it comes to watching your child wrestle with a new challenge?” parents often answer, “My partner fights me about how to discipline,” or, “It looks so easy for everyone else, so why is it so tough for me?” or, “I immediately think, we’re never going to get through this.”

The first example has to do with couples issues. The key to success in parenting is presenting a united front between the parents. This doesn’t mean you have to agree, but it does mean you have to look like you agree.

It’s crucial to remember that by stepping out of the way of our children’s development, we’re not abandoning them. The mom who sleep trains is not giving her child the message she no longer loves him; the dad who lets his daughter get a “C” on a test is not neglecting her education. Instead, being a supporting, encouraging presence who trusts a kid enough to make his or her own mistakes, and then learn from them, instills more confidence in the child.

There are two parts to this: one is to come up with a game plan you both can agree to and then communicate it to your kids as coming from both of you equally. Kids can sense when parents are divided, and it’s a confusing message to them: maybe I have to go along with this, but then again, Mom looks really skeptical, so maybe I don’t.

The second part is to turn to one another for help when the task is difficult. Among any two people, one will generally be more determined than the other to see a plan through. One good way to be on each other’s team is to form a plan beforehand. The night before sleep training or a new homework regime, meet with each other in private and imagine what possible setbacks will come up and how you’ll handle them. Maybe the more permissive parent has to leave the room. Maybe the more hardcore one has to agree to lower expectations at first. Together, you can address roadblocks before they become fodder for arguments.

The second example—“No one else is having this problem”—fits into the category of comparisons. We worry that others are doing a better job, or we hear our mom’s voice in our ear telling us how it used be done. Try to remind yourself that each family, each child, even each evening is unique. There isn’t one model that everyone can or should follow. Allow for flexibility and individuality, and remember that your vision of everyone else’s family is probably a fantasy—no one is problem-free. Someone else’s child might sleep through the night easily, but trust me, they’re likely either picky eaters, bed-wetters, or rebellious teens.

Finally, thoughts such as “This is impossible” are illustrations of negative cognitions. They are exaggerated, worst-case-scenario notions that keep us feeling as if failure is a foregone conclusion. Changing your thoughts is part of a larger approach called cognitive therapy, but you can practice one simple strategy by identifying the words that come to you (“I can’t bear watching my child suffer”) and replacing the thought with something more palatable (“Struggle is beneficial, and my son knows I’m here to support him”). As often as you’ve unconsciously repeated the negative thought (a hundred times? A thousand?), that’s how many times you’ll have to consciously replace it with the new, more comforting thought.

The truth is this practice is as much your learning process as it is your child’s. Whatever you’re working through today is one of hundreds of times you’ll have to take a deep breath and stand back as your child frets and worries about some new challenge. Rather than harming your daughter by letting her figure out how to deal with a difficult teacher, you’re handing her a priceless lesson about self-sufficiency. In other words, by soothing your anxiety, you’re giving your child a leg up on hers.

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